Why do I care so much about what other people think of me? Why do I want them all to like me and think highly of me? I want everyone to think I’m smart and pretty and I work hard. I want even the people I haven’t formally met and will probably never see again to think this. I let it get in the way. I stay home and hide when I feel fat and ugly and stupid. Why do I let this happen? I guess it’s just human nature to seek approval, but it’s such a waste of energy.
It’s impossible to please everyone all the time. It’s pointless to try. Some of you are probably judging me right now and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Some of you will like me, some of you wont. Some of you will respect me for sharing my experiences with depression and some of you will think I’m whining and attention-seeking. I could drive myself crazy agonizing over this and sometimes I do, but it’s not worth it. Why? It’s kind of depressing, but I’m not that special. To put it in perspective, the world is vast and I am small, most people don’t care or don’t know that I exist. In comparison to that, why should a few people who don’t like me matter? It’s not like anything actually happens when people don’t like you. Most of the time, you don’t even know when someone doesn’t like you.
I’m trying to get over this constant need to be in everybody’s good books. It’s not even good books, it’s best books if such a thing exists. This is another reason that I started blogging. Blogging is forcing me to be honest with myself, forcing me to come to terms with what my values are. It’s making me think more. I think part of having confidence is knowing yourself and having opinions on things. In real life, I just go about doing what needs to be done. I don’t prioritize, I just do it all. I never stop to think about what is important to me other than pleasing everyone else. What kind of a life can you have if what drives you is pleasing everybody else?
I guess this was a bit of a rant, sorry bout that. It’s just something that has been on my mind lately. Any thoughts?