I’m in that bad head space again. It really just sneaks up on me sometimes. I was fine this morning and now, I just don’t know how to exist. I keep trying to distract myself but nothing is working. I just hate myself so much. I want to start punching myself in the head or scratching up my wrists. That’s what I deserve. What’s that going to get me though? I’ve done it before. It’ll sting or I’ll just get sore and bruised and I will STILL hate myself. On top of that I’ll feel lame for doing it. Who punches themselves?!
Why am I working so hard on this motivation stuff? Am I hoping that one day it will all magically come together and I wont have to work so hard at it? I’m kidding myself if that’s the case. It’s hopeless. Existing will never come naturally to me. Working hard is never going to end, I’m never going to get a break. There’s no top of the mountain to reach, I just have to keep going up and up and up.
Some people put their lives on pause. They take time off work to get better. If I did that, would I actually start to feel better? I have a feeling I would just end up guilty, depressed and jobless. It’s not like anything would be different if I took time off. What would I do with the time? I can’t use the time for therapy that’s not available to me. It seems like help is only available to those who have “real” mental illnesses. Whatever that means. I’m not hurting others and I’m not holding a gun to my head, therefore I don’t count? I understand, there’s just not enough money or manpower to help everybody. Besides, I don’t really want to hurt myself, I just don’t know how to live with myself.
I feel like happiness is too much to ask for. I don’t deserve it anyway. Apathy would be nice though. It would be nice for things not to matter so much, for things not to be so difficult all the time, to not have to force myself to do everything. I just want to get up and go about my day and not think about it. I envy people who can just do what needs to be done without thinking about it. Why do I have to think so much?
I can’t stop the thinking. I’ve been trying to just do what needs to be done, to stop dwelling, analyzing and dreading and just do it. When I do this, my dreams tend to get unpleasant. I dream about the tasks I have to do and all the things that could go wrong. I know it’s just a dream and I am catastrophisizing, which is a cognitive distortion, but I still wake up tired and stressed. Being tired and stressed makes it harder to maintain the whole not thinking and just do it thing. It’s a cycle you see. The fact that I know I’m in this behavioural cycle that is completely irrational just makes me angry at myself.
Is it possible to be overly confident and have low self-esteem at the same time? I have low self-esteem, I always have. I remember getting check marks in the “needs improvement” category under self-esteem on my elementary school report cards. At the same time, I have this expectation that I should be better than this. I need improvement? I shouldn’t need improvement, I should be the best. That’s why those check marks hurt so much. I remember really crying over it, getting a stomach ache and throwing up.