Babble from the Dark Side

I’m in that bad head space again. It really just sneaks up on me sometimes. I was fine this morning and now, I just don’t know how to exist. I keep trying to distract myself but nothing is working. I just hate myself so much. I want to start punching myself in the head or scratching up my wrists. That’s what I deserve. What’s that going to get me though? I’ve done it before. It’ll sting or I’ll just get sore and bruised and I will STILL hate myself. On top of that I’ll feel lame for doing it. Who punches themselves?!

Why am I working so hard on this motivation stuff? Am I hoping that one day it will all magically come together and I wont have to work so hard at it? I’m kidding myself if that’s the case. It’s hopeless. Existing will never come naturally to me. Working hard is never going to end, I’m never going to get a break. There’s no top of the mountain to reach, I just have to keep going up and up and up.

Some people put their lives on pause. They take time off work to get better. If I did that, would I actually start to feel better? I have a feeling I would just end up guilty, depressed and jobless. It’s not like anything would be different if I took time off. What would I do with the time? I can’t use the time for therapy that’s not available to me. It seems like help is only available to those who have “real” mental illnesses. Whatever that means. I’m not hurting others and I’m not holding a gun to my head, therefore I don’t count? I understand, there’s just not enough money or manpower to help everybody. Besides, I don’t really want to hurt myself, I just don’t know how to live with myself.

I feel like happiness is too much to ask for. I don’t deserve it anyway. Apathy would be nice though. It would be nice for things not to matter so much, for things not to be so difficult all the time, to not have to force myself to do everything. I just want to get up and go about my day and not think about it. I envy people who can just do what needs to be done without thinking about it. Why do I have to think so much?

I can’t stop the thinking. I’ve been trying to just do what needs to be done, to stop dwelling, analyzing and dreading and just do it. When I do this, my dreams tend to get unpleasant. I dream about the tasks I have to do and all the things that could go wrong. I know it’s just a dream and I am catastrophisizing, which is a cognitive distortion, but I still wake up tired and stressed. Being tired and stressed makes it harder to maintain the whole not thinking and just do it thing. It’s a cycle you see. The fact that I know I’m in this behavioural cycle that is completely irrational just makes me angry at myself.

Is it possible to be overly confident and have low self-esteem at the same time? I have low self-esteem, I always have. I remember getting check marks in the “needs improvement” category under self-esteem on my elementary school report cards. At the same time, I have this expectation that I should be better than this. I need improvement? I shouldn’t need improvement, I should be the best. That’s why those check marks hurt so much. I remember really crying over it, getting a stomach ache and throwing up.

what you see

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13 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. NotAPunkRocker
    Jun 07, 2014 @ 13:15:58

    I know all too well what you are going through. Just keep writing or drawing when you are tempted to do something else, and reach out to friends (me!) if you need distraction, a shoulder to cry on, hugs, etc.

    Reply

    • somberscribbler
      Jun 09, 2014 @ 14:54:53

      Thanks 🙂 I’ve been using my doodle books a lot lately. It helps. I’ve never been very good at reaching out to people. I don’t want to drag them down with me I suppose.

      Reply

  2. Hayley
    Jun 07, 2014 @ 16:57:42

    I know exactly what you mean about over thinking! I’m the same but my over thinking manifests in anxiety rather than depression. I have felt the same frustrations over lack of help because I wasn’t threatening to hurt myself or do anything drastic. In my lowest moment I found myself wondering if it would be worth taking some tablets and calling 999 if it meant that I would get immediate therapy (I was on a 6 month waiting list at the time). I’m still ashamed of myself for even letting that thought pop into my head. Your right, things won’t magically come together but it will get easier eventually, I know it doesn’t feel like it now. If someone had told me a year ago that I am where I am now, I would never have believed them.

    Keep doing what you are doing and if you need to talk you know where I am. Sending cyber hugs!

    Take care,
    Hayley x

    Reply

    • somberscribbler
      Jun 09, 2014 @ 14:57:48

      I’m glad you’ve come so far in such a short period of time! Things have been pretty much the same for me for the last 8 years. It’s hard to imagine things ever changing, but I can’t be accused of not trying!

      Reply

      • Hayley
        Jun 09, 2014 @ 16:09:06

        I’m sure it will pay off in the end =)

        I’ve had anxiety in some form for nearly 10 years but last year it got on top of me, it feels like I lost most of the year! I’m happy with how I have been doing so far this year though =)

  3. weebluebirdie
    Jun 08, 2014 @ 06:34:19

    It is a heavy burden when you over think, and it becomes a vicious circle very quickly. I find I just go numb and can’t do anything, especially the things I know will help. But it does pass. Don’t give up on your motivation strategies, they are worth it. They will make a difference. But remember you’re in recovery. Some illnesses are a phase and you get through it. But with depression, especially if it is related less to life events and more to chemical imbalance or predisposition, then I think recovery can be lifelong. And that is much harder. It does take more to do more than merely exist. You have to hold on to the small positive things and remind yourself of those. You need an emergency first aid kit of special moments and memories of feeling good. And something small and practical which will actively get you going again.

    Reply

    • somberscribbler
      Jun 09, 2014 @ 15:01:11

      An emergency first aid kit of happy little things is a really good idea. I think I’ll do that, thanks. I freeze up when I’m feeling like this. I can’t seem to do anything or react properly to anything. Even the tiniest decision is agony. Knowing that it does pass is what keeps me going.

      Reply

  4. weebluebirdie
    Jun 08, 2014 @ 06:40:31

    I’ve just come across this http://tinyurl.com/nwanqjd Maybe it will help.

    Reply

  5. suesconsideredtrifles
    Jun 08, 2014 @ 08:41:05

    On this day of Pentecost I pray you will find peace and joy. Sue

    Reply

  6. Susie Staplehurst (@DragonSusie)
    Jun 09, 2014 @ 05:15:27

    I know exactly what you mean. As it happens, I was feeling like that last week. The hardest part is, you’re scared at that moment to talk to people, to tell anyone what’s going on, which leads you to feeling isolated and you end up being more critical of yourself.

    It was really bad with me, I had all the voices going through my head shouting at me, telling me I wasn’t good enough, telling me that no one cared, that someone hated me for saying stupid things, that I was driving people away, that I’d never amount to anything… It goes round and round in circles. I can distract myself, at times. It’s harder for me, as I don’t have work. I do follow lessons, so I have an excuse to get out, even when I’m feeling at my worst. But it’s not a daily routine, so sometimes I’ll be stuck inside all day, with the thoughts circling around in my head and no way out… I really hate being stuck that way, so I have to find one distraction technique after another. Playing a computer game – that can fail if it’s not intense enough, so then I have to find something else. I can play music for a while, but then I feel even crapper afterwards if I didn’t do as good as I could. Sometimes the only thing I can do is watch TV, immerse myself in that, and my problems are away for a while (as long as it’s not a really bad soap).

    What I do know, though, is that it always passes. It’s just a phase. I might not believe it at the time, but I hold on to the hope that it’s not going to last long. That way I can pull myself through until I can do more.

    This week I’m a bit… Blergh, really. I’m better, slowly doing more, but am feeling guilty for not doing enough. I could do even more. Yet I’m trying to feel proud for doing something, rather than doing nothing at all and making myself feel even worse. I can’t do everything. I shouldn’t force myself into trying to be a superhero each time.

    Reply

  7. somberscribbler
    Jun 09, 2014 @ 15:08:47

    It’s really hard to be proud of what you managed to do when you are expecting more from yourself. I always feel this way. You’re right though, it does pass. That’s what keeps me going.

    Reply

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