Pass the Kleenex

sorry bunny

TW: Suicide

I had an interesting birthday. Thanks to my family, I’d say overall, it was a good day. There were a few hiccups though. I had an appointment to get the lesion in my mouth checked out by an oral pathologist. Birthday biopsy! Hooray!! The appointment wasn’t until 2pm, so I spent most of the morning anxious about the appointment. I was worried about the exposed bone in my mouth being something scary. I was paranoid because of my friend’s recent cancer diagnosis. It turned out to be no big deal. I had burnt my mouth so badly on a nacho that bone had been exposed. Exposed bone goes necrotic (dies) and the body pushes the dead bone layer out. This is exactly what happened. So now I have a dent in my gums where the missing bone was. Bone remodels so it will heal on it’s own. The doc didn’t have to take a biopsy in the end because he was so familiar with this type of lesion. Phew! I’m so glad that turned out to be nothing.

The next hiccup was a really bad one. We found out a friend of my husband’s killed himself the night before. My husband is in a real state of shock. He found out through Facebook. Got to love that Facebook…..I had never met this man, but I felt like I knew him because of all the stories my husband has told me about the time they spent working in Africa together. He was in a really sad situation. Of course, I only know his side of the story, but I can imagine the immense amount of pain he must have been in. Suicide always evokes so many different reactions. I feel awful for his family and friends and the grief they must be going through. It’s not about them though, it’s about him. I am saddened that he is gone, but I am glad he is no longer in pain.

I’m surprised how much this is making me think. I think I understand suicide. It’s about the individual having a desire to end their pain that is greater than their desire to live. I hope his family and friends understand that. It’s not about hurting them or being selfish. It’s about the pain. I stay frozen in a state of depression. I don’t know what changes to to make to get better. I’m also afraid to make changes in case I make things worse. I already have several failed strategies in my back pocket. This man put an end to his pain instead of sitting there and letting it take over like I do. I’m not saying he made the right decision. He lost his life in the process, which is never something I would recommend, but he did something, probably the only thing he could think of that would successfully end his pain. It makes me wonder what threw him off balance. What was the final straw that made him want the pain to end more than he wanted to live.

My pain makes me implode. I stand there frozen between wanting to live a happy life and wanting the pain to end and I do nothing. I stop functioning. Countless times I have stood on the platform watching the metro pull in and wondered how many people think about jumping. Just three more steps, that’s all it would take, and it would all be over. Thankfully, I’ve never witnessed this happen. I hope I never will.

I’m sorry. This is an incomplete thought. I don’t mean to upset anyone. My husband’s friend passing has really shaken me. I find it easier to sort myself out in writing than by talking. I’m wondering about this line of thought, is this my illness talking? Would this thinking about suicide be just another symptom of depression? Just like a stuffy nose is a symptom of a cold? If that is the case, then shouldn’t we be talking more matter-of-fact-ly about it? Someone with a stuffy nose doesn’t pretend they don’t have a stuffy nose. They ask you to pass the kleenex and they blow their nose. No one is shocked by nose blowing and the individual isn’t treated any differently. Treating the symptoms of depression isn’t as simple as blowing your nose, but shouldn’t it as easy to talk about it and ask for help as it is to say you have a stuffy nose and ask for a kleenex? I look forward to a day when this is the case.

I have an illness, I experience the associated symptoms and talking about it helps. I don’t want to feel ashamed and guilty anymore. Maybe if it were easier to do so, my husband’s friend would have felt he had more options.

11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Hayley
    Jun 18, 2014 @ 09:43:08

    So sorry to hear about your husbands friend. I’m not surprised its left you feeling shook up, suicide is normally sudden and unexpected, proof that the person was unable to talk so bottled it up? Maybe. Perhaps if it was more acceptable to talk about suicide, people wouldn’t feel so alienated and ashamed and ironically maybe less people would go through with it.

    Sending cyber hugs,
    Hayley x


  2. NotAPunkRocker
    Jun 18, 2014 @ 10:08:30

    First, condolences to you, your husband, and everyone else effected by the friend’s suicide.

    I forget, so please feel free to remind me not so gently, are you in therapy? Talking these things out in relation to how you feel or have felt is normal, since it can be a progression of our mental health deteriorating. But, between this and the situation you ran into a few days ago, I am concerned that you don’t have the resources you need.

    And I would still totally write something to the hotline’s website, twitter or something. That was unacceptable.

    I am around if you need me. Seriously. I can’t do much, but I can chatter away until you get to where you need to be.


    • somberscribbler
      Jun 20, 2014 @ 10:36:11

      Thanks, I really appreciate your comments and kindness recently. It means a lot. It’s been a tough week. I am sort of in therapy. I see a psychiatrist for an hour every one or two months. I know I need more talk therapy, but I can’t afford it at the moment and I have to wait 6 months before I get on a waiting list for the free stuff again. I’m thinking I’ll check out the services offered at the university. I haven’t had the best experience with trainees, plus the university is french, so I’m skeptical.


      • NotAPunkRocker
        Jun 20, 2014 @ 15:48:01

        It doesn’t hurt to try, at least. I hope you find something soon that works out for you ((hugs))

  3. suesconsideredtrifles
    Jun 18, 2014 @ 10:10:05

    I’m pleased that you were reassured about your mouth. That’s one thing less to worry about!
    I wish I could say something helpful about the other issues.
    To tell you there is life after depression is like saying, there is light at the end of the tunnel. The tunnel seems to be different lengths for different people.
    Have you looked at ? It is about changing people’s attitudes to mental health issues. Sue


    • somberscribbler
      Jun 20, 2014 @ 10:32:46

      I have heard of time to change, but I haven’t read much about it. I’ll check it out, thanks.
      I think the light at the end of my tunnel is an optical illusion. Depression/bipolar runs in my family. So far, no one has overcome it, just learned to live with it.


  4. Natalie Zaman
    Jun 18, 2014 @ 16:15:55

    (((HUGS))) ♥


  5. fuzzwalk
    Jun 19, 2014 @ 12:12:53

    I’m glad the mouth lesion wasn’t anything to worry about, hope it heals quickly.

    Sorry for the loss of your husbands friend, I don’t know that there is always a final straw, more ‘just’ a final determination to carry out the action.

    Hugs xx


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