I don’t care….but I do.
Does anyone know what I am talking about? I don’t know if I can describe it properly. It’s sort of contradictory. I want to study vision and eye disease, but I don’t care enough to get involved. I want to learn how to paint, but I can’t be bothered to pull out the paints and try. I want to sleep, but I lie there, awake, thinking of nonsense. I want to keep in touch with friends, but talking to them is too hard. I want to be successful, but I let myself get so distracted by my self loathing. My mind wants me to care, but there is no heart, no passion, nothing behind it, so I can’t do it.
I wasn’t always this way. I used to be motivated to learn, to exercise, to participate in life. It gets harder every year. I want to be creative and learn new things, but I can’t think. Some things I can do. I have to fight myself to do them, but I can. For example, if you give me a task and tell me to follow the instructions, no problem, done, but figuring something out, making something work….that part of my brain has been removed. Or maybe it’s my heart that’s been removed and I just don’t care enough to figure it out. It has been this way for several months now and it is just getting worse. The only way I can think of to describe it is that I don’t care about anything or what happens to me anymore, but that’s obviously not true if I am worrying about it now…..
I’m not sure if this makes sense to me in the end…I’m just thinking out loud.