2015AP: Hindsight

This page gets me completely caught up with the 2015 Art Project. For Week 7 there were two options. The first was to do something representing your journey so far and how you are now looking towards the future. The second was to do something about hindsight. I went with the latter. It reminded me of an Irish Proverb I really like…

I drew a girl looking over her shoulder to represent hindsight. It has to do with looking back and understanding an event after it has happened. I used Neocolor II on the girl and outlined her with gel pens. I decided I wanted to use one of my Steampunk gelatos in the background. Gelatos spread a lot better over gesso than over plain paper so I gesso’d around the figure before applying my gelato.

I got a little stuck here. I tried to do border since I hadn’t tried that yet. I used a stencil and a brown Neocolor II crayon. I activated the pigment with water afterwards to smooth it out. It just ended up kind of messy looking. I filled the background using a “Once Upon A Time..” stamp and steampunk stamps; cogs, binoculars and a compass. I did a layer with brown ink to make the background less plain. I did a few of those in black in addition to a few feathers and a butterfly.

At the end, I put some washi tape strips in to occupy empty space. I used some lacy ones and some steampunk ones with cogs and clocks on them.

Here is the whole thing…

The 2015 Art Project – Growing Your Wings

This is week 5 of The 2015 Art Project. The assignment was to create a self representation and give it wings. My self-representation doesn’t really look like me, but she is female, has brown eyes and the hair is close enough, so we’ll call her me. I gave her pixie wings instead of the typical angel wings. I felt like angel wings would make her seem dead. I’m not dead yet!

I have no problem with putting myself out there, the spreading your wings part. It’s the where to go once you get the wings out part that I feel I am stuck at. For a long time, I was just doing what I thought everyone else wanted me to do. I wanted to make everyone happy and proud of me. For the most part, I reached that goal, but I was a total mess. I wasn’t sleeping, I hated myself, my depression was the worst it had ever been and I was completely exhausted. I wanted to give up and for a while, I did. What’s the point of working so hard to please people if it doesn’t make you happy? There is no point. So I took a step back to think about what would actually make me happy. Right now, art journaling brings me joy. I haven’t really figured out the long term yet though. I found a good quote to reflect these feelings. It’s about flying and not knowing where to go. It basically says that the miracle is in spreading your wings. In my case, the miracle would be realizing that I need to base my life on something other than having everyone’s good opinion.

Now for the art part. I started off with a layer of white gesso. Next I put blobs of paint on the spread; dark blue, light blue and purple. I mixed those about with my fingers. It was kind of fun, lol. I made swirls here and there using my swirl stencil and Sharpie paint markers. I started to write the quote in, but it was hard to read with the colours and the swirls in the background, so I gesso’d over it and tried again. The black signo uniball ink showed up much clearer over the white gesso. I scribbled blue neocolour II around the gesso’d area to transition it into the background a bit better. The last touch was the star stamp using silver ink.

The figure was drawn in my Strathmore recycled sketchbook. She was coloured with regular pencil crayons and outlined using various gel pens. I outlined the whole drawing in blue Sharpie to make it easier and less delicate to cut out. She looks worried because she feels lost, like I do. She’s not sure where to go from here.

Here is the whole spread…

2015AP Week 4 – Meditation

I get frustrated when I hear the word “meditation”. Usually I hear it when I am being given advice that I don’t want. I have depression. It seems to be the atypical, doesn’t-really-respond-to-medication-and-lasts-forever-kind. I am constantly told that I should meditate. It will relieve stress and negative thoughts and I’ll feel so much better. I appreciate that people are only trying to be helpful when they say this, but they always make it sound like such a simple solution. As if I hadn’t thought of this before or depression is that easy to cure. No doubt, meditation works for a lot of people. It wouldn’t be so popular if it weren’t the case. Unfortunately, it just hasn’t worked for me. It’s not for lack of trying either. I’ve tried various forms of meditation to no avail. I usually end up upset with myself because I can’t do it properly. The closest I have come to succeeding is in karate. The style I did incorporated several sort of moving meditations called katas. They were a series of punches, kicks and blocks that were preformed in succession. It cleared my head because there was no time to think. You had to move so quickly and accurately with strength behind each move. You focused on your muscles and movements, not your thoughts. That cleared my head. It wasn’t exactly relaxing though. It really got my heart pumping.

The week 4 exercise in the 2015 Art Project was a meditation which I wasn’t overly thrilled about. I’m not anti-meditation and it was only 8 minutes, so I thought I’d give it a try. To my surprise, I actually did enjoy it. Instead of providing an art journal prompt for this week, Victoria suggested we do an interpretation from the meditation. I think that’s why I enjoyed it more than I usually do. Instead of going into the meditation with the goal of clearing my mind and relaxing (which is near impossible for me), I went in with the goal of coming up with an art journal idea. That small shift in focus allowed me to focus on what was being said and the imagery to go with it. In doing that, I forgot everything else in my brain and I actually did relax. Maybe I have meditation performance anxiety, haha.

Part of the meditation was to picture an animal by a waterfall in a forest. That’s the part I decided to do as a journal page. The animal I saw was a unicorn. I’ve been on a bit of a unicorn kick lately, so that is probably why. I used “burlap” Distress Ink in the background and gesso’d over the areas for the unicorn and waterfall. The tree branches were created with a stencil using “burlap” and “tea dye” Distress Inks. The land, waterfall and rainbow were coloured with watercolour pencil crayons and activated with water. The mist at the bottom of the waterfall has some neocolor II crayon in it. The unicorn is mostly just white gesso. I outlined her with silver Sharpie paint pen and did her mane and tail with pink Sharpie paint pen. The shadows on her body are grey crayon. I outlined the unicorn in white neocolor to give the impression she was glowing.

Another part of the meditation was to lie in the water and let our worries wash away. I decided to scrawl all my current worries into the waterfall with gel pens to make the water look like it was moving. It didn’t really work, but I tried at least. The spread still feels a little unfinished, but I am out of ideas for the moment. I feel like the upper right area could use something…a quote maybe? I’ll add to it later if I come up with anything.

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Letting Go…

The 2015 Art Project – Week 3

Prompt: Letting go to be free…

Week 3 was the first part of a two part (I think?) “Letting Go” theme. We were instructed to focus on worry. Worry is something we tend to hold on to that prevents us from relaxing, enjoying, being ourselves and essentially, being free. At least, that’s what is does to me. It can make me physically ill too. I do have a problem with worry. I know I over do it, but it just comes so naturally. Part of the instructions were to write down things that we are currently worrying about.

Let’s see….

• Hubby’s job situation
• Hubby’s happiness
• If he gets a job up North, should I go with him, or continue school?
• Forcing myself to go to work
• Finishing my Ph.D.
• Getting participants for my dissertation research
• Making time for everything that needs to get done everyday
• My mental health getting worse
• My mental health never getting better
• Coping with group therapy
• Deciding whether or not to have kids
• I can’t speak French and I live in Montreal
• I don’t exercise enough
• I can’t sleep properly
• What is my medication going to do to me in the long term?
• Financial
• 30th Birthday trip planning
• Doing a good job on everything I do
• Making everyone happy
• My sick friends (one has a brain tumor, one has fibromyalgia, one has cancer and one has a son with a bad heart)
• Touching base with family and friends often enough

Some may scoff at my list, thinking that’s nothing compared to their worries or they may think some of those, like planning a birthday trip, are frivolous and that’s fine. I get it. In the grand scheme of things, my worries aren’t nearly as dire as those who worry about starving or not having a roof over their heads. I am grateful I don’t have to worry about those things, but does that mean I don’t worry, or don’t have the right to? No. Worry is intrinsic in human nature. It stems from the fight or flight response which evolved to protect us from danger and although danger has also evolved somewhat from wooly mammoths and saber tooth tigers, it’s not something you can readily turn on and off. If you are having feelings of distress or anxiety in response to something, those feelings are valid. It doesn’t matter what it is. Worry is different for everyone, everywhere, in every situation.

That being said, it’s important to check if the reasoning behind these feelings is valid. I often react to something and my mind gets all up in arms and stressed before I get a chance to look at things logically and rationalize the worry. That’s what my art journal page is about this week. It’s a reminder to myself to to slow down, to breathe and to think it through with a rational brain. By simply taking the time to do this, I can exhale some of those worries away.

Some worries are more difficult to deal with. These are usually the situations I have no control over. Control is a big comfort. I like to have a path set out in front of me with the detours mapped out ahead of time. I’m not a control freak, I just prefer to know what to expect when it comes to the big, important things. This is not always possible in life. So, the final part of week 3 asked us to pick three worries we have no control over that we’ll take forward into week 4. I’m choosing Hubby’s job situation, getting participants for my dissertation research and my mental health. I know I probably should have control over that last one, but I really feel like I don’t.

Now, for the art stuff….

I gessoed (can that be a verb?) the background white and doodled a girl (me, sort of) exhaling her worries over top.

Next, I shredded magazine recipes into strips. I used Modge Podge to glue them to the swirls of air she is exhaling. I wanted the letters from the recipes to be visible, but not legible, representing the irrational thoughts causing her feelings of worry. Next, I painted the background and the figure with acrylics. I used a Walmart stencil to get the white swirls in the background and then muted them with watered down blue acrylic. The big swirls are outlined in activated Neocolour II crayons. The lettering was done with a black Fude Ball 1.5 pen from Ranger Ink. I was told this pen would write on paint (no problem!) and would be waterproof (haven’t tried yet) so that I could paint over it without it bleeding. The silver bits are from a Sharpie paint pen.

Here is the quote. I can’t remember who it is from. I got it out of one of my old journals, thought it was appropriate.

And here is the full spread….

Loving Yourself

The prompt for Week 2 in the 2015 Art Project was “Loving Yourself”. Just looking at the theme, I knew this week was going to be a tough one. I am awful at self love. I feel guilty nurturing myself. Lately, in order to improve the state of my mental health, I have been taking me-time. It’s definitely not without guilt, but I find if I do something I enjoy, like art, then I get distracted and the guilt of not working or cleaning the house doesn’t get to me so much.

This week’s exercise was one I am familiar with. It’s similar to one of the staple activities of cognitive behaviour therapy. The idea is to re-frame negative thoughts about yourself into positive ones. I find it helpful. It can also be applied to other things. I normally use this activity to deal with my anxiety or perfectionist tendencies. I write down my worries and rationalize the hell out of them. Here is my exercise from this week.

It was recommended to a double page spread this week, so that’s what I have done. We were to interpret the exercise and the loving yourself theme. When I think of love, I think of hearts, pinks and reds, so I’ve incorporated those into my spread. Loving myself is something I am working on and finding difficult, so I doodled a cartoon of myself looking skeptical and pasted that in surrounding it with question marks. You can’t really see it, but I used a stencil full of gears in the background. The gears represent the hard work that has to be put in learning to love yourself when it doesn’t come naturally. I filled the rest of the space with other methods you can use to learn to love yourself.

For the art folk out there, I started with a layer of white gesso, then scribbled all over it with gelatos. The big heart is also gelato. I used white acrylic paint to stencil in the gears. The smaller red hearts are stamped with ink. The writing was done using a Uni-ball Signo gel pen. Letters were coloured in using Sharpie paint markers. The same was used to draw the question marks and the white ruffles around the big heart. The figure was coloured with regular old pencil crayons and outlined in a Sharpie fine liner. I used Modge Podge to glue the figure in.

Does anyone have an opinion on Modge Podge? I got a whole bottle from my sister-in-law, but I’ve heard it’s no good for art journaling and I should be using gel medium. What do you think?

Anyway, on to Week 3! If you’d like to join the fun, you can find more information on Victoria’s blog, or join the Facebook group