It All Starts With You — 1000 Voices for Compassion (#1000Speak)

Compassion is the strong sympathy and sorrow felt for another’s suffering accompanied by the motivation to ease that suffering. It is not the same as empathy or altruism, but they are all related. Empathy is the ability to take the perspective and feel the emotions of someone else’s situation. Altruism is the selfless behaviour to help someone else. It is often prompted by compassion.

Compassion is a virtue that we, as a society, don’t seem to practice enough. Why is that? Maybe, it’s because we just don’t have it in us anymore. Life is competitive, everyone wants what everyone else seems to have. People are working longer hours to get ahead, or just to make ends meet. That has to be juggled with family, friends and health. Today, the first response to pain or suffering usually involves looking for someone/something to blame or shielding ourselves by passing judgement. Shame and blame is a quick, easy way to combat suffering even though compassion and understanding are more effective. I’m not intending to make excuses for us here, there should be no excuses for lack of compassion. I don’t think we, as a society, meant to be less compassionate, just that we have adopted other priorities and this is the result. It’s time to be held accountable.

An article in Scientific American in 2012 discussed how wealth influences compassion. Several studies were conducted examining how social class (wealth, job prestige and education) influence how much we care about each other. One study found that drivers of luxury vehicles were more likely to cut in front of other drivers or speed past pedestrians than other vehicles. Another study showed that those with lower incomes and less education were more likely to report feelings of compassion in response to watching a video about children suffering from cancer. The same people had lower heart rates while watching the video compared to their wealthy, more educated counterparts. A lower heart rate is indicative of paying greater attention to the feelings and motivations of others. Previous studies have also shown that the upper class are worse at recognizing emotions and less likely to pay attention to the people they are interacting with.

Why is this? Wouldn’t it make more sense that having fewer resources, you would be more selfish? Apparently not. There may be some truth to the rich, educated and snobby stereotype after all (keeping in mind, that according to my education and where I live, I fit into this stereotype too). Researchers believe that with wealth and abundance comes more freedom and more independence from each other. Could it be that if we are less reliant on each other, the less we can relate to one another and the less we care about each others’ feelings?

Pema Chödrön said something in The Places That Scare You that I really liked; “…compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It is a relationship between equals…compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.” We are all connected and will remain connected because we are all human. We all struggle, we all make mistakes. That should not be forgotten because of a difference in social status or ignored because we don’t agree with something. Behind every situation there are people trying to make the world better for themselves or the people they love. Surely that is something we can all relate to.

Scientists believe compassion is vital to our survival as a species. This notion dates back to Charles Darwin and The Descent of Man. He believed sympathy was our strongest instinct and that it would spread through natural selection. “…the most sympathetic members would flourish best and rear the greatest number of offspring.” Considering what awful things we do to each other, it seems ludicrous that sympathy would be one of our strongest instincts, but the fact that we continue to survive as a species proves that it is true. Human babies are the most dependent and vulnerable offspring on Earth. Babies can’t sit up or feed themselves. They can’t even hold their own heads up at first. This vulnerability has led to the evolution of social structures and has essentially re-wired our nervous systems to make us a care-giving species.

Compassion is not written into our genetic code, but humans are wired to be compassionate right down to the neurochemical level. Imaging studies have shown that the area of the brain that lights up when you feel pain is the same area that is activated in response to seeing suffering. This area, the periaqueductal gray, is also associated with nurturing behaviour. Suffering is seen as a threat and the reaction to a threat is to self-protect, but biology has shown that at the same time, we also instinctively want to relieve suffering via nurturing. It could be our competitive lifestyle leaving us exhausted or a lack of connection created by wealth and power or something else entirely, but somehow, society has evolved to ignore that basic nurturing instinct. Compassion is not something we are born with or not, it is a practice. One that can be taught and learned if we would only make it a priority.

How can we build a more compassionate society? It all starts with you. A society is built of individuals and it is the actions of those individuals that determine the characteristics of the society. Let yourself off the hook once and a while. You don’t have to be perfect, you don’t have to have it all. Compassion spreads quickly. Positive emotions are just as contagious as the negative ones. In fact, they spread more rapidly and collectively. When you are kinder to yourself you create a wealth of compassion that you can extend to others. One person cannot change the world, but if each individual allowed compassion to be a primary motive instead of being the best and having the best, the world would be a more peaceful place.

(To learn more about 1000 Voice for Compassion and how the project got started, visit the official blog here.)

Fighting Fatigue

Lately, I’ve had a real lack of energy. I just feel tired and no amount of sleep seems to help. Fatigue can normally be traced to one or more of your habits or routine. In my case, I think it’s work stress and the increase in exercise I’ve been doing lately. I’m assuming my body will get used to the extra exercise eventually (even though it has been a month already!!), but there’s not much I can do about the psychological fatigue from work stress. Research is research after all. I’m sick of dragging myself around, so I’m looking for ways to help myself. Here are the tips I’ve come across to reduce fatigue.

1. Drink Water. Dehydration zaps energy, compromises physical performance and decreases alertness and concentration. I think I drink enough when I am working from home, but not at work. At work, I’m busy, I just don’t think about it. I also hate public bathrooms. If I were drinking the right amount at work, I’d have to make a lot more trips to the bathroom…yuck!
2. Limit Caffeine. One to two caffeinated drinks boosts energy while excessive consumption leads to anxiety, irritability and reduced performance. I’m usually pretty good at this. I have one or two coffees in the morning and switch to decaf if I decide I want one in the afternoon. I wish caffeine information for coffee was more readily available. I guess in the end, I have no idea how much I’m really having.
3. Don’t skip meals. especially breakfast. I like food too much to skip meals, breakfast is my favourite meal of the day. The brain and body relies on glucose for fuel. If you don’t eat, the body has no fuel. Breakfast is especially important because you’ve been fasting all night.
4. Don’t eat large meals. Large meals take a lot of energy to digest. It’s better to keep blood sugar levels even and not waste energy on digestion.
5. Go to bed early. The leading cause of fatigue is lack of sleep. I don’t think I fall into the majority. I go to bed ridiculously early. If you are part of the majority, napping can help. A ten minute nap plus a cup of coffee is recommended to boost energy. A nap longer than 30 minutes is no good though, that could interfere with sleep at night.
6. Avoid sleeping pills. I take the drowsy-type Gravols once and a while, but not real sleeping pills. I know they are only a temporary solutions.
7. Don’t smoke. The carbon monoxide decreases the amount of oxygen circulating in the body. Less oxygen means less energy.
8. Increase physical activity. Check!

For the most part, I’m already doing these things. So why am I still exhausted?! Maybe I need to find some more abstract ways to get around my problem. Here are some of the new tricks I’m going to try. They probably wont kill the fatiguw, but they’ll wake me up more when I need it.

1. Mint. It’s supposed to invigorating, so I’ve bought myself some mint lip gloss. Let’s see if this works.
2. Cold Water. There are a lot of nerve endings in your wrists, so if you run cold water over them, it should wake you up. Same goes for your face.
3. Jump. Literally. Gravity-defying exercise increases your heart rate which helps wake you up. Jumping also stirs up childhood enthusiasm which gives you a bit of adrenaline.
4. Nix indecision. Go with your gut. Spending time trying to make the right decision instead of going with your first instinct causes anxiety which is draining.
5. Time Out. Take a break. All that work will still be there later, but after taking a break, you’ll have more energy to be more efficient.
6. Social Network. A few minute on the phone, Twitter or Facebook can be rejuvenating. I always feel like I shouldn’t be doing that kind of stuff at work. If it can make me more productive though, why not?
7. Colour Therapy. Warm colours are more energizing than cool ones because they are attention grabbing which activates the brain. It is recommended to wear orange on a dreary day. The blend of red (adrenaline) and yellow (exuberance) can boost energy. Orange just makes me look orange all over, so I think  maybe I’ll keep something orange on my desk. It should have the same effect.
8. Yoga. Any exercise is normally good, but is especially good for boosting energy. A British study has shown that after 6 weeks of classes, volunteers reported boosts in energy and confidence. I guess I could try a yoga video at home. I always feel so silly in classes when they tell me to let my skin melt off my bones. What?!
9. Learn to relax. I NEED to do this. I find I can do something relaxing, like draw or watch something, but I’m never truly relaxed. My mind is still going and fretting over all the nonsense going on. It’s kind of silly, but when I need to sleep, I go through the alphabet and list my favourite names starting with each letter. I have never made it to Z.

 

Easy Ways to Increase Happiness

I found an article circulating on Facebook that lists “easy” things to make you happier. Normally I’d skip it, thinking it’s a bunch of hooey, but it claimed this list was backed by science (plus I have no better post ideas). Being an uninspired scientist, I liked the sound of this. So here is a summary, if you want more details on the studies in the article, the original can be found here.

1. Exercise. I know, I know, you’ve heard it before and hate having people tell you, I do too. What I didn’t know is that you could do it in 7 minutes. It’s a tough workout, but it’s over in only 7 minutes. Check it out here.
2. Sleep. Apparently not sleeping enough makes you more prone to negative emotions and memories. Positive and negative memories are processed by different parts of the brain. The amygdala processes negative memories while the hippocampus processes the positive ones. Lack of sleep affects the hippocampus more than the amygdala making it more difficult for you to recall positive memories than negative ones.
3. Live close to work. I don’t know about you but it can take me up to two hours to come home from work depending on the traffic. It’s pretty miserable, so I was glad to see someone actually did a study on it. Unlike other unpleasant tasks, one doesn’t acclimate to the commute. The commute is always different; volume of traffic, idiots on the road, accidents, etc.
4. Stay in touch. Not staying in touch with friends or family is one of the top five regrets people have on their death bed. The longevity project found that those who have generous relationships live longer and happier.
5. Go outside. Did you know happiness is maximized at 13.9 degrees centigrade? Really? I think I’d be happier at 20 degrees.
6. Help others. Studies recommend spending 100 hours every year (or 2 hours per week) helping people. If you want more information, read my post on giving.
7. Smile. Make yourself smile by remembering funny moments or thinking positive thoughts. Smiling can alleviate pain, improve attention and help us perform cognitive tasks. Don’t bother faking it. One study showed that those faking their smile through their work day had worse moods as the day progressed while those whose smiles were reinforced with positive thoughts had a better day.
8. Plan a trip and don’t take it. Studies have show that people are happiest during the planning stage of a trip rather than during or after. I’m assuming the anticipation of vacation helps them feel happier. This actually works! I planned my 30th birthday trip to a snorkeling resort in Jamaica. I had a lot of fun and was generally in better mood while planning, despite knowing that we wont be able to do a 30th birthday trip. 😦
9. Meditate. I had a feeling this would be on the list. I’m rubbish at it. Neuroimaging studies have shown that brain activity is actually calmed after meditation. Regular meditation can even alter brain structure.
10. Practice gratitude. Being thankful, even for just three little things a day can improve happiness and life satisfaction.

The article ended by saying that people get happier as they get older. Apparently, past middle age we grow happier naturally. I’m skeptical, but at least it takes the edge off getting older.

Since today was a bit of a fluffy post, here’s a fluffy drawing to go with 🙂

 

Motivation Strategies

Yesterday I talked about depression versus laziness. You can read the details here. They are not the same. My theory is that people who are lazy have trouble with self-discipline, they put what they want to do over what they should do. I know people like this and they are perfectly content to do things this way. People with depression on the other hand, know what they should do and put that first, but lack the motivation to do it. For me, this applies to chores as well as the things I enjoy. This theory makes sense to me because depression is a disorder that messes with your ability to feel your emotions. Motivation is driven by emotion and if your emotions don’t work properly, well you see the connection.

The Eye of the Tiger

My motivation has hit an all-time low, I’ve lost my “eye of the tiger” so to speak. Having my routine strategy is impossible with my supervisor, so I’m looking into new strategies to get myself to keep going. These are some of the ones I’ve found.

1. Chart Your progress. If exercise is your goal, you could do a training log. This allows you to look back and see how far you’ve come. You can put a check for every day you worked out and an X for those you didn’t. Making the check mark should make you proud. That will motivate you to keep going. A quick way to visualize progress, I like that idea. I’d need a chart for every goal though…that’s a lot of charts.
2. Hold Yourself Back. When starting something I tend to go all out, then burn out. I need to pace myself with my goals to maintain motivation and interest over time.
3. Join a Focus Group. I can see how this would be a good idea. You meet people with similar goals and you report your progress. It’s moral support, but also a way to make yourself accountable. I find it hard to get motivated when the results are just for me. If there is a whole group of people waiting to hear my progress, I’ll be more likely to get in gear.
4. Visualize. I’m already doing this, I have an empty frame waiting for my Ph.D. diploma. You could put your running shoes by the door to encourage you to go for a walk or put the healthy snacks at the front of the fridge so you’ll be more likely to grab those.
5. Get a Goal Buddy. I get it, you push and encourage each other. I guess it creates a bit of friendly competition too.
6. Just Get Started. This is so true. Some days it’s just too hard and I think about how hard it is going to be. Instead of dwelling on it, I should just get started or plan to do 5 minutes. Once I start it never turns out to be as hard as I thought it was going to be.
7. Think Positive. Negative self-talk is a huge de-motivator! Why bother trying when you know you’re going to fail, right? I really need to be more aware and catch my distorted thoughts.
8. Keep a Daily Journal. Record the tasks you’ve completed and the ones you still have to do. Seeing how much you are accomplishing can propel you forward.
9. Make it a Pleasure. If it seems like hard work, make it a treat. Re-frame the goal as something you want to do instead of what you should do. I will cook dinner tonight because I will save money and eat healthier. This will make me feel better tomorrow. That could work.
10. Be Patient. Learn to be happy with progress. Changes will not happen overnight. I REALLY need to work on this!
11. Break it Down. Getting overwhelmed kills your motivation. Break a single goal into smaller manageable pieces. It will reduce stress and you’ll be more likely to get started. I need to apply this one to work.
12. Reward Yourself Often. Make sure to acknowledge each milestone. Having something to look forward to is motivating. This will work for some people, but I’m a bit stumped for myself. I shouldn’t rely on edible treats because I’m trying to lose weight and I can’t spend money because I’m a poor student. What does that leave me with?
13. Find Inspiration. It can be from anywhere; blogs, stories, forums, friends,family, quotes, music, photos, people you meet or hear about. This I already do. I look for motivational quotes on Pinterest when I feel like I can’t do anything.
14. Get a Coach/Take a Class. Putting money towards your goal helps you hold yourself accountable. This wont work for me right now, no spending!!
15. Have Good Reasons. Write down your reasons to remind yourself or do it for someone you love. It’s often easier to get going when you are doing it for someone else. This one will probably work for me.
16. Envision Success. Daydream about finishing your goal. How will you feel? Who will be proud? How will you celebrate? What will you wear? My imagination hasn’t been great lately, I don’t think this one will work for me.
17. Beware of Your Urges to Quit. This is good! I’ll make a tally of all the times I want to quit, noting why, when and where. Figuring out my triggers will allow me to anticipate them and figure out a plan to avoid them.
18. Never Skip More Than 2 Days in a Row. Falling out of a habit means starting all over again, which can be really hard. I can see how this would apply to exercise, but what about work? I am not giving up my long weekends!

I’m going to give some of these a try. If anyone has any more suggestions for my list, I’m all ears!

 

Being Assertive

Being assertive is important for self-esteem. I met with my psychiatrist (Dr. Dreamy) last Friday. He suggested that I work on being more assertive in order to boost my self-esteem. He thinks in order to do this, I would benefit from regular talk therapy. Regular means once a week. I was doing this and it was covered by provincial health care, but you get a limited number of sessions, then you have to wait six months before you can go back. I’m on the six month waiting period now. I could go private and pay to see a psychologist once a week, but that’s not in the budget right now. The last time I did that, it was $130.00 per hour! That was a few years ago now, so I can only imagine what it must cost now. I explained all of this to Dr. Dreamy and we worked out a solution. I will see him every one to two months to talk things out, otherwise, I will read what he recommends and sort it out myself. It’s not ideal, but seeing as I’m an academic, reading and sorting it out myself is supposed to be my forte. So until I see Dr. Dreamy again in June, I am reading about self-esteem and how to be more assertive.

Being assertive is a way of acting that strikes a balance between being aggressive and submissive. I think aggressive is probably one of the last words someone would use to describe me, so I must be more on the submissive side. If you are submissive you end up doing a lot of things you don’t want to do which can create resentment, then tension and then open conflict. That sounds like me…except for the open conflict part. I guess I keep it bottled up, which only hurts me in the end. Here are some characteristics of submissive behaviour…

• Discounting your own rights and/or needs
• Not expressing your feelings
• Feeling guilty or like you are imposing when asking for a favour
• Overly invested in being nice and pleasing people

And the characteristics of assertive behaviour…

• Simple and direct communication without attacking or manipulating
• Standing up for yourself and your rights without feeling guilty
• Communication of feelings honestly while maintaining respect for others

The list of submissive behaviours totally sounds like me in a lot of situations, especially at work and with authority figures. By not expressing my feelings, people (like my supervisor) are ignorant of my wants and needs. How can I expect my supervisor to recognize how overwhelmed I am if I don’t tell her?

So how can I be more assertive? I need to work on those three points I listed above. I think I’m alright at the first one. I stay calm when speaking to people, I maintain eye contact and an open posture. I know that it is important to use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. “You” statements come off as threatening or like you are setting blame. If I were to talk to my supervisor it would be better to say “I am feeling overwhelmed”, rather than “you are giving me an impossible amount of work to keep up with”.

I do have to work on communicating how I feel and not feeling guilty about it though. I often feel ambivalent about my wants and needs. I think that is part of the problem. I need to sit down and really think about what they are instead of just going with the flow. Maybe that’ll be another post.