What a Mess

I’ve been thinking about writing for a while now, but I haven’t figured out exactly what to say. Finally, I decided I better just write something, anything, or I’m never going to get started again. I don’t think I have the words to explain the last several months, but I’ll try my best.

I was overwhelmed with work life and home life, depressed, anxious and not sleeping. The lack of sleep was starting to get to me. I was constantly nauseous or dealing with a headache. I don’t know if you’d call it hallucinating or not, but I’d mix up reality with whatever my brain came up with when I dozed off for a few minutes. I’ve been this way before, but I’ve always pushed through. I always thought if I just push through to the other side things will start looking up and I’ll get to a place where I feel safe, can relax and maybe enjoy something. By safe, I mean a home, a secure career, a steady income, family, friends and no huge financial problems. Maybe it was the sleep deprivation or maybe it was starting Quentiapine but, I guess the difference this time was that I finally realized that is never going to happen. No matter how hard I work now, I’ll never reach a place where I can breathe. There will always be more responsibility, another commitment, another challenge. It is just going to keep going like that. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. So what is the point in killing myself, working so hard only to make myself miserable? Well, there is no point. So I stopped.

wordle depression

You’ll have to bear with me for a while, I haven’t been doing any doodling.

 

I know the ideal is to achieve a balanced life. Things should be done in moderation so you get your work done, but also enjoy life a bit too. Logically, this makes total sense but, it is still completely foreign to me. Like many people with depression, I am a very black and white thinker. You know, all or nothing. How can you enjoy playing when you know there is work to be done? I guess this is why I have always held on to the principle of work hard, play later.

Anyway, I guess this realization was the last straw. I just stopped everything and imploded into a sobbing, hyperventilating, irrational mess. I had to bail on a conference I was supposed to speak at, I stopped going to work, stopped answering the phone, going out, working out, blogging, drawing, etc. After going full steam ahead for so long it was a big crash and burn. The only good thing about this was that I was finally able to sleep. In fact, that’s pretty much all I did. I slept, I cried and I watched TV.

I wasn’t proud of myself, but sleep or TV (basically avoidance) were the only things that got my brain distracted enough to get relief. It was like this for a couple months. I am so thankful for my family. They were patient and didn’t make me feel worse. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be here.

Picture quote

Picture quote

After my months of avoidance, I started to feel like I could handle doing little things again. Things like driving my mom wherever she needed to go or reading a magazine. Eventually, I felt I could handle thinking about work again. I came up with a plan to take the rest of the semester off and go back in January. That may not be happening anymore, but that’s another story.

For now, I’m just going to try to enjoy and participate in as much of the holiday season as I can. I hope all of you have been well over these last few months and I look forward to catching up. 🙂

Self-esteem Challenge: Day 20

This blog challenge was developed by betterthandarkchocolate.tumblr.com. If you missed the introduction or want to see a summary of all the questions, go here.

Day 20:
If you finish this challenge and still feel that your confidence is low, would you be willing to do it again? Why or why not?
Has your self esteem improved with doing this challenge? If so, how?

I would be willing to do the challenge again, but not right away. Maybe after a few years. I don’t think I would answer any of the questions differently unless I changed and I need time to make changes.

I don’t know if my self-esteem has improved with doing this challenge. It has forced me to look at myself and my accomplishments in more detail. I’ve had to write about and recognize good things about me and good things that I have done. That’s good and remembering that I have done some things right is good, but this good feeling isn’t a sustainable one. I just said “good” five times, haha. Eventually, this challenge will end and I wont be prompted to think about the good things everyday. I’ll start thinking about the present and what is ahead of me again. This makes me feel anxious and inadequate. It’s always said that you shouldn’t live in the past, but maybe it would be a good idea to remember the good things once and a while. If I did something right once, then I should be able to do it again…right?

zenborders and love

Self-esteem Challenge: Day 10

This blog challenge was developed by betterthandarkchocolate.tumblr.com. If you missed the introduction or want to see a summary of all the questions, go here.

Day 10:
Why are you the way you are?
Are you happy with your “inner person”? If so why or why not?

I don’t know why I am the way I am. I think if I knew, then I’d have something to work with and I’d get better, but that’s not the case. I haven’t been abused in any manner. I wasn’t severely bullied. My parents are still together and I had a good childhood. I wasn’t spoiled or overprotected. I had what I needed. I was a pretty tame teenager, never used recreational drugs, nor was I promiscuous and I had good friends. I did well in school, but was not pressured to do so. So why am I like this? I can’t come up with any reason to explain my low self-esteem/perfectionist tendencies and depression. It remains a complete enigma to me. At first I thought it was a chemical imbalance of some sort, but if that were the case, then wouldn’t antidepressants make a big difference? They don’t make a big difference, they just make it a bit easier. So what’s left? Genetics? It does run in my family. Too bad they still aren’t sure about depression markers.

I don’t think I know my “inner person” well enough to answer this question. I have been too busy working on the outer version. I guess I like some of my inner person. I like the part the strives to be the best version of herself, the part that works hard and is kind. I don’t like the dark side though. The side that hates herself, whose thoughts naturally slide toward the negative and who has to push herself to do anything besides be a zombie.

zombie me

Zombie Me

Self-esteem Challenge: Day 5

This blog challenge was developed by betterthandarkchocolate.tumblr.com. If you missed the introduction or want to see a summary of all the questions, go here.

Day 5:
Something about the way you think that you like.
What’s your proudest accomplishment?

I like that I can see a situation from different angles. It causes some problems like anxiety or too much empathy, but I think it’s a good trait to have. I may not be able to walk in your shoes, but I can listen, understand and empathize more than the average person, I think. It keeps me prepared as well. By thinking about possible outcomes of a situation, I can hope for the best, but also be prepared for the worst. This enables me to react quickly and hopefully turn things around. I think the benefits outweigh the anxiety it causes in this case.

My proudest accomplishment is not what you would expect. Most would assume it would be my M.Sc. or one of my academic scholarships. My M.Sc. was a bad experience (another post, another time) and I’m thankful for my scholarships, but not really proud. The moment I really felt like a rockstar was after giving a one hour lecture at a rehab conference. It was my first talk at a conference and it is still my longest to date. It went really well! I kept my audience’s attention, they laughed at the jokes I threw in here and there and they stood up and clapped at the end. After the talk, a lot of people came to talk to me. They all had good things to say and I think I did well answering their questions. I felt like I knew my stuff and I deserved to be where I was, something I frequently doubt.

circle-zentangle1.jpg

Self-Esteem Challenge: Day 4

This blog challenge was developed by betterthandarkchocolate.tumblr.com. If you missed the introduction or want to see a summary of all the questions, go here.

Day 4:
A habit you have that you like.
What do you do to feel better when you’re having a bad day?

Lots of bad habits come to mind. I like my habit of having dessert, but at the same time, I feel guilty for eating sweets so often. Plus it’s bad for my body. I asked my husband to help me on this one and all he said was “You’re not a habit driven person.” A big help he was. For lack of anything better, I’m going to say going to bed early is a habit of mine that I like. There is no down side to it. I go to bed early-ish even on the weekends. That’s one less thing I have to adjust to when transitioning from weekend to weekday. Going to bed at the same time every night is supposed to help with depression too. It also gives me enough time to get the recommended eight hours of sleep (when I actually am able to sleep).

When feeling bad, I try to remind myself of three things

  1. The past does not equate the future
  2. Failures are learning experiences
  3. I can adapt to change

Sometimes this helps me put things in perspective. I also have a list of things that usually make me feel good. It comes in handy for when I’m feeling bad and don’t know what to do. It doesn’t always work, but if I work my way through it at least I’m doing something and not wallowing.

  1. Eat cake with lots of icing
  2. Watch cute cat videos
  3. Put comfy clothes on (lululemon!)
  4. Cuddle Ewok
  5. Put some music on and sing or dance (often don’t have the energy for this one)
  6. Watch a “feel-g00d” movie (Phantom of the Opera, Pride and Prejudice, Memoirs of a Geisha, Definitely Maybe, etc.)music of the night
  7. Get hugs
  8. Find some company
  9. Think of things to be thankful for
  10. Drink something warm
  11. Call someone (this one is usually really hard to do, I often skip it)
  12. Doodle anything
  13. Look up positive or motivational quotes
  14. Bake dessert
  15. Sleep

Previous Older Entries Next Newer Entries

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Follow Somber Scribbler on WordPress.com

Archives

%d bloggers like this: