Sunny Sunday Blahs

I still feeling rather crap-tastic today. The weather yesterday was nice and I managed to make myself go for a run. I felt more in control after that. So I guess I’m not feeling as bad as I was. I know it will pass eventually, it just sucks having to wait it out. I wish I had a trigger, something that I knew set me off so I’d have something to work against. I’m been trying to figure it out since I was diagnosed in 2006, but I got nothing. I think it’s just bad genes and chemical imbalances for me though.

So it’s Sunday. I’m going to ignore reality (work) and just focus on existing today. I’ve been told many time that I need to stop and smell the roses more often. So this morning, I sat on the balcony with a coffee in the morning sun. It was rather nice. Ewok came out too. It was entertaining to watch her play with the bugs on the balcony. The rest of today will be spent out at the in-law’s (for the third weekend in a row). It’s not so bad I guess. They have a big property away from the city with a pool. It’ll be nice for a day like today. My mother in-law is the epitome of bubbly though. I admire bubbly people, but sometimes it’s too much, especially with the high pitched voice and my current mood. On top of that, she doesn’t like people with mental health problems. I have to put on a bit of a show and pretend I’m a happy ordinary person.

My parents will be joining us all later for dinner. It’s completely different with my folks. I can be myself, which is a big relief. I try not to be a total downer because that’s no fun for them, but if all I can manage on a given day is breathing, that’s ok with them. I’m hoping them being there for dinner tonight will take some of the pressure off. I can take a break from acting and just listen to them have conversation. I’ll be eternally grateful for their understanding and patience.

I didn’t get very much sleep last night, so I ended up doodling in my Art Doodle Love book again. The page I worked on asked me to doodle/collage any emotions I feel about myself today. I opted to skip the collage part. It was the middle of the night and all my scrapbook junk was in the bedroom where hubby was sleeping. So I just doodled.

It turned out rather colourful considering how dull and empty I’m feeling. I think maybe I want to be vibrant and colourful. That’s why I always use colour as opposed to darker monotones. Also, my lack of expertise in shading makes it really hard to do anything without the colour variation. I must take a drawing class some day.

Why Can’t I?

This lack of motivation and inspiration is starting to seep into all parts of my life, not just work and being healthy. I’ve been having trouble drawing and blogging the past week. These are usually my outlets. I am already feeling quite low, so not being about to do what I normally enjoy is just going to make it worse. I’m trying to make myself do the things I supposedly enjoy anyway in hopes of it helping.

Have you ever tried Art Journaling? I think it’s a beautiful form or expression. It combines mixed media art and writing your thoughts down. I find it quite intimidating as most of the pieces I have seen are quite beautiful. So I decided to start small and I bought a book, “Art, Doodle, Love” by Dawn DeVries Sokol. It provides pre-made backgrounds and writing prompts to help you get started with art journaling. I have really been enjoying it. Art journaling doesn’t seem quite so scary now.

I’m relying on this book to give me some inspiration for a post. One of the pages from the book is called “Why Can’t I?” It asks you what holds you back from fulfilling your dreams. You’re supposed to answer the question with doodles and photos, washi tape, whatever you feel like. I thought this was good to think about.

In order to make changes in life, you have to disrupt your routine. It’s different for all of us, but a routine is normally good for me, it keeps me functional as opposed to freaking out or being unable to get out of bed. Changing a routine and remaining functional requires a lot of effort. It’s not that I don’t want to put in the effort, it’s just that I feel like I already have enough on my plate. This can be overwhelming. Feeling overwhelmed is your body’s way of telling you to dial it down. This creates an internal conflict. You want to make improvements, but you’re completely overwhelmed.

When I thought about it, besides being overwhelmed, I realized everything that holds me back is self-imposed. Things like waiting for the right time, assuming I know what the outcome will be, negative self-talk, comfortable habits, thinking that I have to be the best, fear of failure….the underlying reason for all this is the belief that I am not good enough.

I hate those infomercials that say you can be anything you want as long as you think positive and visualize success. It’s not that simple. Sure, that’s part of it. Research has shown that success has more to do with attitude and motivation than raw talent. Everyone doubts themselves once and a while, but for people like me and many others that have depression, not only do we have to think positive which is unnatural, but we have to find the motivation (which is lacking) AND we have to overcome core beliefs that we are not good enough and don’t deserve success. I’m not saying it’s not possible, I’m just pointing out that it’s exhausting. Fighting against beliefs that make you who you are is hard work.

So ignore everyone else when they say you aren’t trying hard enough. If they haven’t been there, there’s no way they can understand how difficult it can get.  Be honest with yourself, are you genuinely trying? Yes? Good! It’s ok to collapse from mental exhaustion once and while. Just don’t forget to pick yourself back up again.