Self-esteem Challenge: Day 24

This blog challenge was developed by betterthandarkchocolate.tumblr.com. If you missed the introduction or want to see a summary of all the questions, go here.

Day 24:
What is your definition of “beautiful”?
Do you compare yourself to others? How can you be more focused on yourself?

“Beautiful” describes something/someone that is pleasing to the senses or the mind. That’s my definition at least. To consider someone or something beautiful is subjective. Sometimes something that is ordinary or even repulsive to one person can be beautiful to another. I mentioned in a recent post that I think sharks are beautiful. I bet there aren’t too many people that would agree with me. Most would find them scary or think nothing of them.

Of course I compare myself to others! Who doesn’t at some point or another. My problem is that I do it about everything and I do it too often. Also, I only do it for when I am at the disadvantage. I compare myself to people who are or have things that I want and I ignore what I already have. For instance, I have plenty of education. I don’t compare myself to people with less or more, I just don’t think about it. It’s like its a total write off because I already have it. If I can do it, then anyone can and it loses its worth. I know, this is a cognitive distortion and I need to adopt a new way of thinking…..working on it.

I keep looking at people in similar circumstances to myself who have it all together and envy them. How come they can manage to make their lives so great and I can barely keep up with mine. It’s not like my life is any harder than theirs, yet they seem to have good jobs, own a home and be having kids already…things that seem too far out of reach for me. I guess its important to remember when my brain goes down this route, that I don’t know everything. Maybe there is something they aren’t telling me or maybe once you get past the outside, they are hanging on for dear life just like me. I don’t want that to be the case, but everyone fights their battles that the rest of us know nothing about. Maybe to them, I appear to have it all together…haha….who knows.

Self-esteem Challenge: Day 23

This blog challenge was developed by betterthandarkchocolate.tumblr.com. If you missed the introduction or want to see a summary of all the questions, go here.

Day 23:
What physical feature do others seem to find most attractive about you?
What is your ideal outcome of this challenge?

Wasn’t this question asked already? I think it’s my hair. At least, I sort of believe it when people say nice things about it. I have received other compliments, but I find serious flaws with those parts of me, so I kind of feel like people aren’t serious when they say something nice. I think they are making fun of me or something. My eyes are a good example. Some people say they think I have great eyes. I think they are boring. Plus they are still a little crossed and they are scarred from the strabismus surgery.

The ideal outcome of this challenge would be that I accept who and what I am and be happy with it. I do enough, I have accomplished enough, I am enough and will continue to be enough. That’s not being realistic though. I started this hoping that by being forced to be optimistic and look for good things in myself that I would see them and believe them. I was hoping that would help me feel worth it and help me to get back to working for what I want.

Self-esteem Challenge: Day 22

This blog challenge was developed by betterthandarkchocolate.tumblr.com. If you missed the introduction or want to see a summary of all the questions, go here.

Day 22:
What do you think others like about your personality?
Which of your skills or abilities to you pride yourself on?

I think other people like that I am nice. I like to make other people comfortable and feel good about themselves. I try to always be polite and pleasant despite how I am feeling. I also try to be considerate of other people by thinking about how what I say and what I do will affect them. It drives me nuts when people don’t consider others. For example, getting off the escalator. They take the escalator at the mall up to the second floor, get off and stop right there, blocking the path, trying to decide where to go next. I come up behind them and have no where to go because the escalator is still moving and they are standing there at the end of it. So I say “excuse me, please” to remind them that people need to to get by and I get a dirty look! What do they want me to do?! Walk backwards on the moving stairs until they decide to move….I’m not the most coordinated, so that’s not going to work. Move aside to think about where you are going next instead of blocking the moving stairs. It’s such a small courtesy, yet so many people don’t do it. It drives me nuts! It’s not because they are bad people, most of the time, they just don’t think. Sorry for the rant. :S

Normally, I pride myself on my work ethic. Normally, I am a hard worker. Lately (the last several months) it has been getting harder and harder to do anything. I am extremely unmotivated and feel like I’m going nowhere. Work is the worst, but I’m not motivated to do the things I enjoy either. I need a prompt of some sort to draw or blog. I’ve stopped reading books, going out with friends and enjoying Netflix. Hubby has to be on my case everyday to get me to exercise. I feel really lost. Usually when this happens, I force myself through it. I do the things I know I should do anyway. It has been months now and this feeling isn’t passing. I’m finding it very difficult to force myself to keep going, doing the things I should be doing. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Self-esteem Challenge: Day 21

This blog challenge was developed by betterthandarkchocolate.tumblr.com. If you missed the introduction or want to see a summary of all the questions, go here.

Day 21:
When do you feel your most attractive? Why?
Name at least 5 things that you are good at.

It’s not often that I feel attractive. I guess I’d have to have just done a tough workout, had a shower, had time for my hair to dry and be dressed in clothes that fit well with makeup on. A tough workout makes my muscles feel tight and used. That creates the illusion that I am thinner, stronger and more defined than I really am. Sometimes it’s hard to make yourself take a shower, but you always feel better when you are clean. My hair has to be dry so you can see the colour, which is my best feature, I think. Good clothes and makeup just make me feel better too. They hide the flaws more and amplify the good stuff.

5 Things I am good at….I’ve been thinking about this question for a while and haven’t been able to come up with anything. I was hoping it was because I’m so tired my brain isn’t working and not because I’m not good at anything. After a nap, I tried again. To be considered good at something, you don’t have to be the best, right? I think that was getting in my way. So here are 5 things I’m good (not the best) at…

1. Faking it. I think I’m good at putting on a show for people when I am feeling bad, physically or mentally. Most of the time people can’t tell how I really feel. I can be friendly and pleasant when all I want to do is crawl under my duvet. I can also put on a good show when I’m being eaten alive by anxiety, like a conference presentation for example. It’s exhausting, but I can do it.
2. Making people feel comfortable. I do best with people one on one. Like I’ve said in previous posts in this challenge, I work with older adults and make them comfortable during their appointments with me. I get them talking and they are usually very appreciative. I have experience working with children too. I worked at a summer camp for 6 years. I often worked with the kids who were having trouble adjusting or causing trouble. I have an endless supply of distracting games that don’t require equipment that get kids to open up and feel more comfortable.
3. Crafts. I like to try different things. They don’t all turn into masterpieces, but I have fun with it.
4. Doodling. Whether I’m actually good or not is subjective, but I love to draw. I’m never without a doodle idea.
5. Memorizing things. I haven’t had to do this for a while, but in school, I was really good at memorizing and reciting passages in English class. I have a degree in Anatomy and there’s nothing you can do there to learn but memorize the names of everything. Currently, I’m pretty good a birthdays. I remember the birthdays of kids I went to elementary school with. Kind of useless, but I’m good at it!

 

Self-esteem Challenge: Day 20

This blog challenge was developed by betterthandarkchocolate.tumblr.com. If you missed the introduction or want to see a summary of all the questions, go here.

Day 20:
If you finish this challenge and still feel that your confidence is low, would you be willing to do it again? Why or why not?
Has your self esteem improved with doing this challenge? If so, how?

I would be willing to do the challenge again, but not right away. Maybe after a few years. I don’t think I would answer any of the questions differently unless I changed and I need time to make changes.

I don’t know if my self-esteem has improved with doing this challenge. It has forced me to look at myself and my accomplishments in more detail. I’ve had to write about and recognize good things about me and good things that I have done. That’s good and remembering that I have done some things right is good, but this good feeling isn’t a sustainable one. I just said “good” five times, haha. Eventually, this challenge will end and I wont be prompted to think about the good things everyday. I’ll start thinking about the present and what is ahead of me again. This makes me feel anxious and inadequate. It’s always said that you shouldn’t live in the past, but maybe it would be a good idea to remember the good things once and a while. If I did something right once, then I should be able to do it again…right?