Self-esteem Challenge: Day 26

This blog challenge was developed by betterthandarkchocolate.tumblr.com. If you missed the introduction or want to see a summary of all the questions, go here.

Day 26:
What is your favorite compliment to give and receive, and why?
When’s the last time you were too hard on yourself? What do you think you could have done to treat and comfort yourself instead?

I think my favourite compliment to give and receive is something along the lines of “good work”. Doing a good job is important to me and something I always try to accomplish in anything that I do. So hearing “good work” means I have been successful. If I’m telling someone else “good work” it means they have accomplished the same thing and hopefully my acknowledging that makes them feel good.

It definitely wasn’t the last time I was hard on myself, but it is the time that sticks out most in my mind. My Master’s degree. I should have celebrated it. I should have let myself feel the accomplishment. I regret sweeping that under the rug, especially now as I watch my sister-in-law finish her Master’s degree. She’s on cloud nine lapping up all the praise. All I felt when I got my M.Sc. was guilt. I didn’t deserve it. Nevermind the paper I published from my thesis, the four experts that applauded my defense or the database that is used internationally! I ignored it all and came to the conclusion that I didn’t deserve it. What is wrong with me?!

Self-Esteem Challenge: Day 8

This blog challenge was developed by betterthandarkchocolate.tumblr.com. If you missed the introduction or want to see a summary of all the questions, go here.

Day 8:
The last time you smiled when someone complimented you. What was the compliment and why did you smile?
What is a food you enjoy that makes you feel good?

Compliments make me uncomfortable. I usually just laugh them off. I tend to forget about them, so in order for me to remember I have to get the same compliment repeatedly or it has to be a really big one. The last one I remember was a big one. Last May, I got a government grant for my research. My supervisor sent me a bouquet of flowers with a note that said “No one has ever worked harder for this. You deserve it. Don’t forget to celebrate!” She had already congratulated me over the phone, so she didn’t have to send flowers and a note. It was really nice of her. The flowers were beautiful, which made me smile, but I was also glad to know she thought I was working hard. I have put a lot in to my Ph.D., but I always worry about whether I am working hard enough. I feel guilty if I’m not working day and night, work is always on my mind.

My flowers

I have a bad relationship with food. I’m an emotional eater and I have a really big sweet tooth. Would a smoothie count? It’s hard to think of something that I enjoy AND makes me feel good. I enjoy cake, but I feel guilty for eating it, so I can’t say that. I feel good for eating raw veggies, but I don’t enjoy it. Sometimes it’s a bit like torture to get the whole bowl of them down. I found a smoothie recipe I really like. A smoothie sort of counts as food right? It’s really yummy (it tastes like candy!!) and mostly healthy, so I enjoy it and feel pretty good about it. Plus it comes out hot pink in the end which makes me smile, lol.

My smoothie

 

Here is the recipe if anyone is interested:

1/2 banana

1 cup frozen raspberries

1 cup orange juice (I use something low in calories and high in vitamins)

4 tbsp plain yogurt (I use vanilla)

4 ice cubes

Sometimes I add a squirt of lime juice if I want it extra tart or, if I know I can brush my teeth afterwards, I put kale in it. You can’t taste the kale, so it’s a great way to get a vegetable in, but I usually get it stuck in my teeth, lol.

What’s your feel-good food?

Self-Esteem Challenge: Day 4

This blog challenge was developed by betterthandarkchocolate.tumblr.com. If you missed the introduction or want to see a summary of all the questions, go here.

Day 4:
A habit you have that you like.
What do you do to feel better when you’re having a bad day?

Lots of bad habits come to mind. I like my habit of having dessert, but at the same time, I feel guilty for eating sweets so often. Plus it’s bad for my body. I asked my husband to help me on this one and all he said was “You’re not a habit driven person.” A big help he was. For lack of anything better, I’m going to say going to bed early is a habit of mine that I like. There is no down side to it. I go to bed early-ish even on the weekends. That’s one less thing I have to adjust to when transitioning from weekend to weekday. Going to bed at the same time every night is supposed to help with depression too. It also gives me enough time to get the recommended eight hours of sleep (when I actually am able to sleep).

When feeling bad, I try to remind myself of three things

1. The past does not equate the future
2. Failures are learning experiences
3. I can adapt to change

Sometimes this helps me put things in perspective. I also have a list of things that usually make me feel good. It comes in handy for when I’m feeling bad and don’t know what to do. It doesn’t always work, but if I work my way through it at least I’m doing something and not wallowing.

1. Eat cake with lots of icing
2. Watch cute cat videos
3. Put comfy clothes on (lululemon!)
4. Cuddle Ewok
5. Put some music on and sing or dance (often don’t have the energy for this one)
6. Watch a “feel-g00d” movie (Phantom of the Opera, Pride and Prejudice, Memoirs of a Geisha, Definitely Maybe, etc.)
7. Get hugs
8. Find some company
9. Think of things to be thankful for
10. Drink something warm
11. Call someone (this one is usually really hard to do, I often skip it)
12. Doodle anything
13. Look up positive or motivational quotes
14. Bake dessert
15. Sleep

Babble from the Dark Side

I’m in that bad head space again. It really just sneaks up on me sometimes. I was fine this morning and now, I just don’t know how to exist. I keep trying to distract myself but nothing is working. I just hate myself so much. I want to start punching myself in the head or scratching up my wrists. That’s what I deserve. What’s that going to get me though? I’ve done it before. It’ll sting or I’ll just get sore and bruised and I will STILL hate myself. On top of that I’ll feel lame for doing it. Who punches themselves?!

Why am I working so hard on this motivation stuff? Am I hoping that one day it will all magically come together and I wont have to work so hard at it? I’m kidding myself if that’s the case. It’s hopeless. Existing will never come naturally to me. Working hard is never going to end, I’m never going to get a break. There’s no top of the mountain to reach, I just have to keep going up and up and up.

Some people put their lives on pause. They take time off work to get better. If I did that, would I actually start to feel better? I have a feeling I would just end up guilty, depressed and jobless. It’s not like anything would be different if I took time off. What would I do with the time? I can’t use the time for therapy that’s not available to me. It seems like help is only available to those who have “real” mental illnesses. Whatever that means. I’m not hurting others and I’m not holding a gun to my head, therefore I don’t count? I understand, there’s just not enough money or manpower to help everybody. Besides, I don’t really want to hurt myself, I just don’t know how to live with myself.

I feel like happiness is too much to ask for. I don’t deserve it anyway. Apathy would be nice though. It would be nice for things not to matter so much, for things not to be so difficult all the time, to not have to force myself to do everything. I just want to get up and go about my day and not think about it. I envy people who can just do what needs to be done without thinking about it. Why do I have to think so much?

I can’t stop the thinking. I’ve been trying to just do what needs to be done, to stop dwelling, analyzing and dreading and just do it. When I do this, my dreams tend to get unpleasant. I dream about the tasks I have to do and all the things that could go wrong. I know it’s just a dream and I am catastrophisizing, which is a cognitive distortion, but I still wake up tired and stressed. Being tired and stressed makes it harder to maintain the whole not thinking and just do it thing. It’s a cycle you see. The fact that I know I’m in this behavioural cycle that is completely irrational just makes me angry at myself.

Is it possible to be overly confident and have low self-esteem at the same time? I have low self-esteem, I always have. I remember getting check marks in the “needs improvement” category under self-esteem on my elementary school report cards. At the same time, I have this expectation that I should be better than this. I need improvement? I shouldn’t need improvement, I should be the best. That’s why those check marks hurt so much. I remember really crying over it, getting a stomach ache and throwing up.

Cake Binge

I like food too much. I rely on sweets, cake in particular, wayyy too much. Cake is what I want when I feel down or have had a stressful day. Cake is what I want to celebrate reaching the end of something or accomplishing something difficult. Is it weird that the answer to everything, good or bad is cake? I want it even when I’m bored. Especially now that I’m watching my calories, I think about food constantly and the urge to binge on sweets of all kinds is really strong. If I hold out and don’t binge, the urge gets stronger, but if I give in and have a piece of cake, I’m afraid I wont be able to stop myself from eating the whole thing. Sometimes I wish I were one of those people who get sick from having too much sugar or dessert that’s too rich. I’m not though. My stomach can handle endless amounts of it.

I wish there were more dessert restaurants around here. I think that would help me with portion control. I could go out, pay to have one piece of cake and be done with it. No leftovers to worry about. All the dessert restaurants have slowly closed since I’ve move here though, even the grocery store has stopped making my favourite little treat. It seems like the only way to get my fix is to buy a whole cake these days.

I know eating is addictive. Sugar especially, activates the same dopamine reward pathway in the brain as many addictive drugs. Low levels of serotonin and dopamine, as is the case in depression, can lead to compulsive behaviour, like a binge. The medications I am on are meant to increase dopamine and serotonin. When I don’t take my meds, I end up eating even more. Also, studies have shown that people with stress or anxiety are more prone to reward-seeking behaviour. They end up losing perspective, prioritizing the reward over the regret they’ll feel later. This is definitely me!

Why can’t I stop? I know binge eating is bad for my health and my appearance. Just knowing that should be enough to deter me, but it’s not. What would my fat say if it could talk? How is binge eating helping me? If I were eating for good reasons, what would they be? I know, it’s stupid. There are no good reasons for eating like this. Life would be better without fat and binges. The parts of life that would improve if I dropped to 120lbs are not the parts that keep eating cake. But, if I keep doing something, then there must be a benefit to it, otherwise there would be no reason to do it, right?

I don’t think I’ll be able to stop until I find out what my reason for eating is. What am I trying to fix by eating? Maybe I am trying to get more joy out of life. Eating is something I have to make time for anyway, so I eat junk hoping to fit more joy into my schedule. My time is precious and I feel like I have so much to do that I need to use my time wisely, be productive. Doing something simply for the joy of it is not an option. That’s selfish and inefficient. So I turn eating, something I have to do to survive, into something that gives me joy. This links back to sugar activating the dopamine pathway in the brain which creates the feeling of joy. It also creates the addiction, which just perpetuates the cycle.

Does this make sense at all? It would mean in order to stop eating so much I would have to find a different source of joy. What do you do to to bring yourself joy or make yourself feel rewarded?