D is for Dreams

Waking up completely exhausted is common among people with depression. I usually have more trouble getting up when I sleep during the night than when I am battling insomnia. It’s because I dream. I dream a lot. They aren’t good dreams either. I wouldn’t call them nightmares, but they are realistic and stressful. Sometimes they are repetitive dreams. I often think in the dream oh no, it isn’t a dream this time, it is happening for real! I often can’t tell that I am dreaming. Even upon waking, I am not sure what was real and what wasn’t. I wake up feeling like I’ve had a long stressful day at work and now, I have to get up and do it all again in waking life. Ugh.

Do you dream a lot? Do you have repetitive dreams? Have you ever had trouble telling the difference between your dream and reality?

It sucks, but I just accepted it. I figured everyone has these dreams. Most people do, but not every night, and not to the same intensity. Sleep studies have shown that people with depression dream up to three times more than the average person. Dreams contain more intense emotions and negative themes than average. Dream sleep occurs during the Rapid Eye Movements (REM) phase of the sleep cycle. It is often referred to as Paradoxical Sleep because although you are asleep, it is not the kind that leaves you rested and restored. During REM, all kind of stress hormones are released into your system. Dreams are usually thought of as good things. They tend to be exaggerations of the truth, but dreams tend to be metaphors for your life. Unaddressed concerns get played out in your dreams, leaving your brain free for dealing with the events of the next day. Too much of a good thing though, is always bad. Over-dreaming leaves you stressed and deprives you from the “deep sleep” that you really need. Waking too early is common among those with depression. This is actually the brain’s survival mechanism to prevent the stress from over-dreaming. Why do depressed people dream more? Apparently it is because we have more worries and emotional arousal that has to be worked through.

I don’t know if a completely dreamless sleep is possible, but you can at least find sleep where you don’t remember your dreams. I have come across a few tips I am going to try to see if I can mute these stressful dreams of mine.

1. Don’t go to sleep stressed. Give yourself time to cool down
2. Keep regular sleep times, even on weekends
3. Don’t eat right before bed. Meats and cheeses can increase the likelihood of having nightmares
4. Decrease alcohol and caffeine consumption
5. Keep a dream journal or join a dream-sharing group in your community
6. Research has shown that good smells can affect dreams positively…aromatic oils, lotion, flowers.
7. Have some sort of moderate exercise during the day and not right before bed.
8. Don’t sleep on your back. That can induce sleep paralysis which causes you to feel like you are awake and alert, but cannot move. People often complain of a heavy feeling on their chest.
9. Read something not too thrilling, but not work or school related stuff either.
10. Don’t stress about not being able to sleep. Worrying about it, will just make it less likely to happen.

Some of these I already do (#3, 4 and 7). Some, I’ll be honest, I’m just not going to do (#5). The others, I’ll give a try.

My Happy Light

I got a Verilux HappyLight for Christmas. It was given to me by my sister-in-law who is a psychologist and someone who has/had BPD. Is it possible to have had Borderline Personality Disorder? I mean, does it go away or become manageable? Of course, I have no idea what goes on in her head or in her private life, but I haven’t seen the type of symptoms my husband says she displayed when she was younger. I feel like I can’t ask her about it because mental illness is not an approved topic of conversation in my husband’s family. Plus, Hubby has told me her story and I’m not sure if she wanted me to know everything.

Anyway, Hubby had mentioned declining mental health to her, that’s why she got me this happy light. It is the type of light used to treat Seasonal Affective Disorder (which I don’t have). Thankfully, Hubby warned me that she was getting me something depression-related, so I knew to be discrete (aka hide it from my mother in law) when I opened it. My sister-in-law later explained to me her reasoning behind this slightly awkward gift. This light is supposed to help with sleep. When it comes to sleep, I need all the help I can get! She said a couple of the people in the psych department where she works have them and they have said they do sleep better so she thought maybe it would help me. Thoughtful.  🙂

Photo by Jordan Shakeshaft

 

So, I have tried it. I’m supposed to set it within 2 feet of my face for about half an hour everyday. I have to make sure my eyes are exposed to the light. It is bright, but there are settings to control the brightness. Plus, the discomfort it causes wears off pretty quickly. I expect it will be a little while before I experience improvement with sleep. I hope I can remember to use it every day. I have used it three times so far, today included. I have slept better the two nights after remembering to use it. I don’t know if that’s coincidence or not, but it’s enough to encourage me a bit.

The box calls it “natural spectrum light”….. whatever that means. I’m hoping they mean visible spectrum. They do state that it is UV-free which is what I was most concerned about. The light interacts with melatonin, the hormone that controls your internal body clock. Melatonin fluctuations tell our bodies when to sleep and when to wake up. This hormone also interacts with dopamine, one of the major mental health hormones. This explains why the happy light also claims to improve mood, increase energy and reduce carb cravings. Sounds like a miracle to me! We’ll see.

What a Mess

I’ve been thinking about writing for a while now, but I haven’t figured out exactly what to say. Finally, I decided I better just write something, anything, or I’m never going to get started again. I don’t think I have the words to explain the last several months, but I’ll try my best.

I was overwhelmed with work life and home life, depressed, anxious and not sleeping. The lack of sleep was starting to get to me. I was constantly nauseous or dealing with a headache. I don’t know if you’d call it hallucinating or not, but I’d mix up reality with whatever my brain came up with when I dozed off for a few minutes. I’ve been this way before, but I’ve always pushed through. I always thought if I just push through to the other side things will start looking up and I’ll get to a place where I feel safe, can relax and maybe enjoy something. By safe, I mean a home, a secure career, a steady income, family, friends and no huge financial problems. Maybe it was the sleep deprivation or maybe it was starting Quentiapine but, I guess the difference this time was that I finally realized that is never going to happen. No matter how hard I work now, I’ll never reach a place where I can breathe. There will always be more responsibility, another commitment, another challenge. It is just going to keep going like that. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. So what is the point in killing myself, working so hard only to make myself miserable? Well, there is no point. So I stopped.

You’ll have to bear with me for a while, I haven’t been doing any doodling.

 

I know the ideal is to achieve a balanced life. Things should be done in moderation so you get your work done, but also enjoy life a bit too. Logically, this makes total sense but, it is still completely foreign to me. Like many people with depression, I am a very black and white thinker. You know, all or nothing. How can you enjoy playing when you know there is work to be done? I guess this is why I have always held on to the principle of work hard, play later.

Anyway, I guess this realization was the last straw. I just stopped everything and imploded into a sobbing, hyperventilating, irrational mess. I had to bail on a conference I was supposed to speak at, I stopped going to work, stopped answering the phone, going out, working out, blogging, drawing, etc. After going full steam ahead for so long it was a big crash and burn. The only good thing about this was that I was finally able to sleep. In fact, that’s pretty much all I did. I slept, I cried and I watched TV.

I wasn’t proud of myself, but sleep or TV (basically avoidance) were the only things that got my brain distracted enough to get relief. It was like this for a couple months. I am so thankful for my family. They were patient and didn’t make me feel worse. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be here.

Picture quote

After my months of avoidance, I started to feel like I could handle doing little things again. Things like driving my mom wherever she needed to go or reading a magazine. Eventually, I felt I could handle thinking about work again. I came up with a plan to take the rest of the semester off and go back in January. That may not be happening anymore, but that’s another story.

For now, I’m just going to try to enjoy and participate in as much of the holiday season as I can. I hope all of you have been well over these last few months and I look forward to catching up. 🙂

To Q Or Not To Q

My psychiatrist has prescribed Quentiapine (Q) to help me sleep. I’m not sure if this is a good idea for me. I have body image issues and am really nervous about the associated weight gain. Psych has never been too concerned with my body-hatred. He keeps recommending I try Remeron, which I’ve been told is a death trap for weight gain. I have been having problems sleeping though and I do need help with that. He decided to replace the Abilify I was on with Q to help with depression and sleep.

So far, I’ve been taking 50mg of Q at night. I go to bed when I start to feel woozy. I do sleep, but I wake up a lot during the night. In the morning, it’s really hard to get up and I want to eat everything! I have also experienced a strange foggy feeling in my head and some blurred vision. No change in mood so far. I know there is an adjustment period for Q, but I’m not sure it is worth it, especially if it’s not going to work wonders with my mood and sleep.

I have gained some weight in the last year and a half that I am trying to get rid of. I’ve found that the best time for me to exercise is early in the AM. I’m afraid I wont be able to do that with Q. I’m also wondering if Abilify had anything to do with my weight gain. I know it is supposed to be one of the more weight neutral anti-psychotics, but I have bad luck with side effects on most medications, so it is possible.

I’m starting to think it might be a good idea to just stay away from anti-psychotics all together. Abilify didn’t really make a big difference when I started it anyway. I can’t remember how long it has been, two years maybe? That would leave me with 300mg Welbutrin and 60mg Prozac. Psych also mentioned upping Prozac to 80mg and adding Imovane to sleep. Imovane is habit forming, so that’s not so great either. I don’t know if any of this stuff really helps anymore.

So the question is, do I keep going with Q and see if things get better? Or, do I stop now and drop the anti-psychotics all together?

Oh, The Possibilities…..

It looks like another sleepless night for me. I lay in bed wishing for sleep to come for about two hours when Ewok came in and decided my face would be a nice place for a catnap. Thanks kitty. That’s when I decided to give up and do something else….like blog!

I feel like I’m bursting with possibility at the moment. Maybe that’s why I can’t sleep. At least its a good reason this time. Possibility leads to hope and hope is what makes life worth living. I’m not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel yet, but I have hope that I can pull myself out of this black hole I’ve been in for most of the year.

The first set of possibilities involves a bunch of creative projects I have on the go. A couple of them I owe to Christy over at Normal in Training. If you haven’t been to her blog yet, you really should stop by. As a psychologist who has both depression and anxiety, she sees both sides of the proverbial mental health coin, offering a unique perspective.

Back to the creative projects…..I never dreamed of doing any of these projects because I’m not good enough, but being creative is something I enjoy. I think that’s what I need to focus on right now, enjoying. It is likely that these projects wont amount to anything and, I am ok with that. That is not my goal. I just want to have something to enjoy, something to look forward to doing. For once in my life I am going to focus on the process, not the outcome.

More possibilities…..a new Ph.D. student has started at the lab! I completely forgot he was starting until he arrived. This means someone to work with, someone to bounce ideas off of, someone to consult with and someone to share the responsibilities of the lab. This has already started to lift some of the dread I’ve been having surrounding work over the last few months.

I also mustered up the guts to talk to my supervisor about the state of my mental health and how overwhelmed I am. She was sympathetic to my being depressed and unable to sleep and she took the time off prescribed by the psychiatrist well. I’m still not sure if I want to take time off. I can’t take time until I get the new guy settled and do my conference presentation in mid September, so I have time to think about it.

Have you ever taken sick leave? How long did you take? What did you do with your time?

As for being overwhelmed, she understood that too. She emphasized that I am a Ph.D. student first (my dissertation comes first) and a lab coordinator second. Easier said than done. She said that as a lab coordinator it is my job to organize the lab and delegate tasks. If a project failed because the other lab members weren’t participating enough, it was not my responsibility. I was relieved to hear that. I don’t know if I could just let a project fail because of someone under me, but I’ll keep that in mind for when I get stressed.

My supervisor also renewed my confidence in my own dissertation. I was starting to think it was poorly thought out, a bad idea and not worth it. She reminded me of how excited she was about my research and about the other professors that wanted to be involved when I presented my proposal to the department. She also pointed out that people from the granting agencies who didn’t know me from the next guy had read my proposal and thought it was do-able. She said to not have faith in myself after all that was insulting to the professors and granting agencies. That hit a chord, lol. She was using my low self-esteem to get me to see reality. How could I be right in thinking my research was garbage when these experts thought otherwise? There’s no way I could be right over them. Are you following my twisted line of thought here? I am now feeling better about my dissertation. So much so that I was able to make the final corrections I had been putting off for the last month and resubmit to ethics. Phew.

And now that I’ve rambled on for a bit here, I’m going to try to sleep again. Thanks for listening 🙂