The 2015 Art Project – Growing Your Wings

This is week 5 of The 2015 Art Project. The assignment was to create a self representation and give it wings. My self-representation doesn’t really look like me, but she is female, has brown eyes and the hair is close enough, so we’ll call her me. I gave her pixie wings instead of the typical angel wings. I felt like angel wings would make her seem dead. I’m not dead yet!

I have no problem with putting myself out there, the spreading your wings part. It’s the where to go once you get the wings out part that I feel I am stuck at. For a long time, I was just doing what I thought everyone else wanted me to do. I wanted to make everyone happy and proud of me. For the most part, I reached that goal, but I was a total mess. I wasn’t sleeping, I hated myself, my depression was the worst it had ever been and I was completely exhausted. I wanted to give up and for a while, I did. What’s the point of working so hard to please people if it doesn’t make you happy? There is no point. So I took a step back to think about what would actually make me happy. Right now, art journaling brings me joy. I haven’t really figured out the long term yet though. I found a good quote to reflect these feelings. It’s about flying and not knowing where to go. It basically says that the miracle is in spreading your wings. In my case, the miracle would be realizing that I need to base my life on something other than having everyone’s good opinion.

Now for the art part. I started off with a layer of white gesso. Next I put blobs of paint on the spread; dark blue, light blue and purple. I mixed those about with my fingers. It was kind of fun, lol. I made swirls here and there using my swirl stencil and Sharpie paint markers. I started to write the quote in, but it was hard to read with the colours and the swirls in the background, so I gesso’d over it and tried again. The black signo uniball ink showed up much clearer over the white gesso. I scribbled blue neocolour II around the gesso’d area to transition it into the background a bit better. The last touch was the star stamp using silver ink.

The figure was drawn in my Strathmore recycled sketchbook. She was coloured with regular pencil crayons and outlined using various gel pens. I outlined the whole drawing in blue Sharpie to make it easier and less delicate to cut out. She looks worried because she feels lost, like I do. She’s not sure where to go from here.

Here is the whole spread…

If We Were Having Coffee….

If we were having coffee, I would ask you how your week was. I hope that it went well. My week was rather blah and unproductive. I’m not actually sure which came first. Did I start to feel low and that caused me to be unproductive? Or, was I unproductive and that caused me to feel low? Regardless, both states are here. I’m glad the coming week is March break. Not only will the university be shut down, but my supervisor will be away for a week. This will give me time to get my mood under control before it dips further (I hope). Hubby has the same March break. It will be nice to spend some time together.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you the new Ph.D. student is no more. He officially left the program this week. I don’t feel so bad for him anymore. Leaving is the right thing for him and I heard through the grapevine that it wont affect his current job back home. He just wont get the higher position he was getting the Ph.D. for.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I haven’t had time to do any more art journaling or drawing. I set up a tumblr account for some reason. I think that is where all my free time went this week. Some of the themes are a little complicated. I still haven’t figured out how to get WordPress to publish over there. It might work this time, I think there was a glitch in the theme I was using. Social media eats up so much time if you aren’t paying attention.

If we were having coffee, I’d ask you if you copyright your photos or artwork? The art journal people in the Facebook groups I am in usually type some sort of signature over their work. I haven’t done anything like that with my art journal stuff or with the doodles I display on my blog. Should I? What do you think?

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’ve been having nightmares every night. Not scary ones, more anxiety provoking. They cause me to wake up a lot during the night and leave me exhausted in the morning. What do you do to get rid of nightmares?

If we were having coffee, I would probably apologize for cutting it short this week. I’m just not feeling myself. I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Here is a photo of my little Ewok to make you smile as you start the rest of your weekend.

(This conversational coffee post is part of a weekend link-up hosted by Part-Time Monster. Join in the fun!)

Share Your World 2015 – Week 8

As I was having my coffee this morning, I was surprised to find myself listening to birds chirping. They weren’t singing the most beautiful song, but it was a sound I realized I had been missing. It’s hard to believe we are 8 weeks into the New Year already and spring is just around the corner. Anyway, here is week 8 of Share Your World. Thanks to Cee for doing this every week.

Your favorite blog post that you have written? (add link)

I’m going to have to go back and look at some old posts. I’ve been blogging for almost a year which isn’t that long compared to most, but long enough for me to forget what I’ve written. I’m going to go with this one from last year’s A to Z Challenge: L is for Love. It’s about how Hubby and I cope with with my mental health issues as a couple. The accomanying doodle is kind of blah though. My favourite doodle is probably this one. Hands are difficult for me and these actually came out looking like hands (probably because the dirt is covering them) but hey, I think it counts!

What do you feel is the most enjoyable way to spend $500? Why?

If I were given some extra cash like that, I would spend it on experiences. I think I would divide it into two. The first part of it would go to a geek day with Hubby. We could go to one of his comic book or toy conventions. The money would cover admission, whatever autographs or toys he wanted and maybe a piece of steampunk jewelry for me (hehe). The second part would go to an art workshop with my aunt. There is an art store near by that does classes. We could take a mixed media class. I could learn something new for my art journal and she could learn something new for the cards she makes. We could spend any leftover cash on art supplies. That would be a valuable way to spend $500 for me.

If you could know the answer to any question, besides “What is the meaning of life?”, what would it be?

What should I do with my life in order to be happy? I don’t mean crazy happy, I mean content or at least apathetic. I’m tired of feeling unappreciated, stressed, overwhelmed, exhausted and inadequate (among other things). There are so many things I could do. It would take a lifetime to figure it out. I wanted to be an artist or a writer, but I figured I wasn’t good enough to earn a steady paycheck or a secure job. I went into sciences and tried a few different things, but never felt like I was contributing enough. For example, one job was identifying enzymes in fungal genomes. In the big picture, this would contribute to making the use of biofuels from organic waste more feasible but, it’s hard to see the big picture when you spend all your time on the computer staring at genome sequences. From there, I went into vision science because it meant something to me. I had my Strabismus experience and there was Gran with her Macular Degeneration. I thought working directly with people, I would be able to help more. I am helping more but I am burning out. Managing the lab, the research, the teaching, the patients, it’s a lot. My brain is on 24/7 and I don’t think I can go at this rate for the rest of my life. Maybe I should have just done the art thing in the first place. Argh!!

Where do you eat breakfast?

Most of the time breakfast is consumed standing in the kitchen. I know, that’s bad. Work mornings are usually kind of hurried though. On weekends, I usually sit at the coffee table to have breakfast with Hubby and Ewok. Ewok hangs around until I finish my yogurt. She likes to lick the left overs out of the container.

Bonus question:  What are you grateful for from last week, and what are you looking forward to in the week coming up?

Last Week: I am thankful my presentation went well and that I got that travel award!

This Week: I was looking forward to some paper ephemera arriving in the mail, but it came while I was writing this post. Now I need another idea…..I am looking forward to using the goodies that came in the mail in my art journal!

DLP5: What Lies Beneath?

The Original Documented Life Project – Journal 2015
For more information and inspiration visit Art to the 5th

Art Challenge: Under paper
Prompt: What lies beneath?

I wasn’t sure what “under paper” was at first. Luckily, I wasn’t the only one. By the time I read the new challenge, there was already a discussion going on about it in the FB group. Under paper is the scrap paper you use to prevent whatever surface you are working on from getting ruined. I usually use a garbage bag for that…whoops. To make this week work for me, I figured I’d broaden the definition of “under paper” to include the paper I clean my stamps off on, the paper I test my pens on, test my doodles on and write my notes about different page ideas and quotes to use.

What does the prompt “what lies beneath?” make you think of?

A lot of people went along the lines of water and fish. Now that I think about it, that makes total sense, but that’s not what came to mind first. The prompt made me think of myself actually. I project the image of the person I want to be. I want to be smart, friendly, strong, well-spoken, kind, confident and successful. Really, all I am is kind…kind I can do well, but the rest? Fake it until you make it, right? Most of my friends, my colleagues and most of my family know me this way. What lies beneath is someone completely different. I second guess myself all the time, I get anxious and stressed over everything, I’m always exhausted, angry, lonely and just generally empty. I don’t like this person. I don’t want to be this person. Around others, I try to be the person I want to be, someone that they would like. Who would like a stressed, exhausted, angry person? No one. I can’t even stand to be in my own skin some days, how can I expect other people to tolerate me?

This is what my spread is about this week. The left is dedicated to the person I want/try to be. I started with gesso on the background and covered that with watercolour pencil crayons. I wanted the page to be colourful and bright. I used a stencil and some white paint to put the swirls in. I stamped a few hearts around the page with gelato pigment. I dipped a brush in water, rubbed it over the gelato stick and then painted the stamp. The hearts aren’t as clean as you would get stamping with ink, but it’s kind of neat looking. I used regular old pencil crayons to draw a cartoon of myself. Her smile is a little bit strained because she is acting a bit. Pretending to be happy and confident when you aren’t can be exhausting after a while, so the smile is a bit forced.

The flowers and circles were made using paper punches from my “under paper”. They were stuck on with gel medium. I outlined the circles with Sharpie paint pen and the flowers with gel pens. Any writing was done with a black Fude pen.

The right page was intended to be darker compared to the right. I used black and silver metallic watercolour pencils to colour on top of a layer of gesso. I used black gesso to stencil some bricks onto the background. I copied the lettering off the internet. I googled graffiti fonts, found one I liked and copied from the font preview. I saved the darker portions of my “under paper” for this side of the spread. Anything with more vibrant colour went to the other side.

The figure was done with regular pencil crayon and outlined with black sharpie. Instead of details, I made her a sort of shadow and filled her with words that described me. She doesn’t really have a face because she doesn’t know what she wants or how to become the girl on the other page. She is lost. The bits of under paper were glued on with gel medium and outlined in Sharpie paint pen.

I smudged white gesso along the bottom of the page with my fingers. I covered some of the under paper punch outs, but I guess that’s ok. I wrote the quote with a black Fude pen. Maybe next time I’ll use a ruler when I write.

“Things are not always what they seem; the first appearance deceives many, the intelligence of a few perceive what lies beneath.” ~Phaedus

MDD and BPD and OCPD, OH MY!

The Blog for Mental Health Project is back! For those of you who don’t know, the purpose of this project is share your experiences with mental illness, to educate, to reduce stigma and most importantly let those suffering know that they aren’t alone.

“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2015 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”

I have had a lot of labels thrown at me. I have Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). More recently, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Obsessive-compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) have been added to the mix. I’m not a fan of these labels. I don’t feel like I fit these cookie-cutter definitions. This is what makes mental health so complicated. Each case is unique and must be treated as such.

This is my story…

I started treatment in 2006, but it began long before that. I think I was born hating myself. Mental illness runs on both sides of my family. It must be in my genes. I was always a very serious child. People would say I was moody, which I suppose was true, but it was more than that. I had terrible stomach aches and threw up a lot when I was younger. I guess I didn’t understand how I was feeling so it manifested physically. As I got older, the physical symptoms waned, I developed body image issues, anxiety, perfectionist tendencies, anger issues and the moods got harder for me to handle. Eventually I stopped going out, I stopped sleeping, I stopped functioning and I prayed that I would just disappear. Since it was unlikely that my prayers would be answered, I did the next best thing. I got help.

Currently, I wear many different hats. I am a Ph.D. candidate, a wife, a lab manager, a wannabe artist, a daughter, a sister, mum to the cutest kitty ever AND I am climbing my way out of the worst depressive episode I’ve ever had. Thanks to my family and closest friends, I am still here. Mental illness, whatever labels they may give me, will be a battle I will fight for the rest of my life. It’s a battle no one should have to fight alone. Blogging has been a great help in coping. I get to sort my thoughts out in words or at least doodles and connect with a whole community of people that understand what I am trying to say. Not only has blogging been a comfort, I have met some wonderful people and learned so much about mental health. I plan to continue blogging about my own experiences with mental health along with some art journaling, doodles, Lego, blog challenges and adorable cat pictures thrown in a long the way.