Self-esteem Challenge: Day 10

This blog challenge was developed by betterthandarkchocolate.tumblr.com. If you missed the introduction or want to see a summary of all the questions, go here.

Day 10:
Why are you the way you are?
Are you happy with your “inner person”? If so why or why not?

I don’t know why I am the way I am. I think if I knew, then I’d have something to work with and I’d get better, but that’s not the case. I haven’t been abused in any manner. I wasn’t severely bullied. My parents are still together and I had a good childhood. I wasn’t spoiled or overprotected. I had what I needed. I was a pretty tame teenager, never used recreational drugs, nor was I promiscuous and I had good friends. I did well in school, but was not pressured to do so. So why am I like this? I can’t come up with any reason to explain my low self-esteem/perfectionist tendencies and depression. It remains a complete enigma to me. At first I thought it was a chemical imbalance of some sort, but if that were the case, then wouldn’t antidepressants make a big difference? They don’t make a big difference, they just make it a bit easier. So what’s left? Genetics? It does run in my family. Too bad they still aren’t sure about depression markers.

I don’t think I know my “inner person” well enough to answer this question. I have been too busy working on the outer version. I guess I like some of my inner person. I like the part the strives to be the best version of herself, the part that works hard and is kind. I don’t like the dark side though. The side that hates herself, whose thoughts naturally slide toward the negative and who has to push herself to do anything besides be a zombie.

zombie me

Zombie Me

Self-esteem Challenge: Day 9

This blog challenge was developed by betterthandarkchocolate.tumblr.com. If you missed the introduction or want to see a summary of all the questions, go here.

Day 9:
Something that you yourself do that makes you smile. Why?
Do you have genuine respect for yourself and who you are as an individual? and if not, how can you change that?

I work with older adults. It’s primarily because they are losing their sight, but when I meet with them, it’s not all about eye tests and my research. We have conversations. I answer all their questions and ask them about themselves. I hear about their past, their families, what they are up to and what they worry about. Most of them enjoy their appointment with me and even the ones that start out grumpy leave content. They usually thank me profusely. I’ve had a few dinner invitations and lunch break offers, lol. Maybe I make them feel important because they get to talk about themselves. Or maybe it’s just having someone to talk to that makes them happy. A lot of them live alone or their family lives far away. Anyway, knowing that they are happy, makes me smile. I think it’s time well spent.

Looking up the definition of self-respect gives me this: “pride and confidence in oneself; a feeling that one is behaving with honor and dignity.” I have some self-respect. I try to conduct myself with dignity and honour, but as for being proud and confident in myself? Nope and nope. My last session with psych was all about my self-worth and how I let it be determined by other people’s opinion of me. I am also guilty of making myself feel inadequate by comparing myself to everyone else. Apparently, I can get better respect for myself by getting to know myself better. Psych asked me to figure out what was most important to me. The answer came right away, I want everyone to think highly of me. I knew right away that was a bad answer. I need to figure out what is important to me independent of other people. I need to come to terms with not being able to do everything and do it all perfectly. I can’t be the best writer, the best presenter, well read, the best researcher, a good mentor, an organized lab manager, the perfect housewife, the best friend, an efficient academic, a size zero with great muscle tone, a good volunteer, a healthy cook, a good cat-mom and have a spotless home. Am I right to think that expecting all of this is unreasonable or am I just not working hard enough? If this is unreasonable, how do I learn to be ok with being less? As you can see, this is a work in progress.

self-respect is power quote

Self-Esteem Challenge: Day 8

This blog challenge was developed by betterthandarkchocolate.tumblr.com. If you missed the introduction or want to see a summary of all the questions, go here.

Day 8:
The last time you smiled when someone complimented you. What was the compliment and why did you smile?
What is a food you enjoy that makes you feel good?

Compliments make me uncomfortable. I usually just laugh them off. I tend to forget about them, so in order for me to remember I have to get the same compliment repeatedly or it has to be a really big one. The last one I remember was a big one. Last May, I got a government grant for my research. My supervisor sent me a bouquet of flowers with a note that said “No one has ever worked harder for this. You deserve it. Don’t forget to celebrate!” She had already congratulated me over the phone, so she didn’t have to send flowers and a note. It was really nice of her. The flowers were beautiful, which made me smile, but I was also glad to know she thought I was working hard. I have put a lot in to my Ph.D., but I always worry about whether I am working hard enough. I feel guilty if I’m not working day and night, work is always on my mind.

My flowers

My flowers

I have a bad relationship with food. I’m an emotional eater and I have a really big sweet tooth. Would a smoothie count? It’s hard to think of something that I enjoy AND makes me feel good. I enjoy cake, but I feel guilty for eating it, so I can’t say that. I feel good for eating raw veggies, but I don’t enjoy it. Sometimes it’s a bit like torture to get the whole bowl of them down. I found a smoothie recipe I really like. A smoothie sort of counts as food right? It’s really yummy (it tastes like candy!!) and mostly healthy, so I enjoy it and feel pretty good about it. Plus it comes out hot pink in the end which makes me smile, lol.

2014-06-09 18.17.30

My smoothie

 

Here is the recipe if anyone is interested:

1/2 banana

1 cup frozen raspberries

1 cup orange juice (I use something low in calories and high in vitamins)

4 tbsp plain yogurt (I use vanilla)

4 ice cubes

Sometimes I add a squirt of lime juice if I want it extra tart or, if I know I can brush my teeth afterwards, I put kale in it. You can’t taste the kale, so it’s a great way to get a vegetable in, but I usually get it stuck in my teeth, lol.

What’s your feel-good food?

Cartoon Craziness Week 2

Oh boy, oh boy! I found a doodling challenge! I found this one through the lovely Not a Punk Rocker. She finds all the fun ones! This challenge is put on by Mental Mama and Indecisive Eejit. Thanks ladies, I’m going to have fun with this one.

cartoon-craziness-challenge-banner

I am jumping in at week 2. This week’s theme is a self portrait. Click here for more details.

Here’s a mugshot:

portrait 2And here’s another one just for fun:

energizer

Self-esteem Challenge: Day 6

This blog challenge was developed by betterthandarkchocolate.tumblr.com. If you missed the introduction or want to see a summary of all the questions, go here.

Day 6:
Something about the way you just are that you like.
What are some obstacles that are preventing you from accomplishing your goals? What will you do to overcome them?

Something about the way I just am? I really don’t know. Does this mean it has to fall outside of the way I look, my personality and the way I think, because those were covered by previous questions? What does that leave? My organs? I like my heart. It has a good rhythm and helps provide oxygen to the rest of my body.

The hurdle I’m trying to overcome at the moment is my lack of motivation. If I have things organized step by step and laid out in front of me, like this challenge, I can get myself to do it, but when things are unstructured, like making drawings to go with my posts, work or exercise, it’s really hard. Everything just takes sooo much effort and I don’t get anything good out of it in the end. So I’m spending energy I don’t have and still feeling like crap. Why bother? I know there are long term benefits to doing these things, but it seems like I keep at it and never seen the benefits. I need a more short term reward….and it can’t be food!

NopeII

I tried to give my life more structure, hoping that would inspire some motivation. I was planning my meals, getting up early to run and then going to work. That lasted for about a month. Life threw a wrench in my plan and it fell apart. I’m thinking maybe I should try again, but I’ve been saying that for about a weeks now. I decided I’d try the Insanity workout again. I’m hoping it will give me a bit more pep. I’m two days in and I can barely walk. It’s a good kind of pain though. Here’s hoping I can stick to it!

For those of you who don’t know Insanity, you can check it out here. It’s always a good workout, no matter your fitness level.

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